Mindless Ramblings Of The Quasi-Sane

Arg.

2012-02-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

Man I feel frustrated. You try to get a hold of someone and you fail time and again. It is frustrating man. They ask you to tell them a bunch of stuff and so I am, I would just prefer not via an e-mail. I would like to hear a voice. I would like to speak my answer. I want to feel like a human ya' know? It gives a personal connection to things. You wonder if someone is just having personal troubles or if it is just a hint that you suck and should go away.

Yeah, I did venture off to do something I really shouldn't of done. That is the most detail I will go in here, the most explaining I will go in here. I am happy to explain everything, just contact me in person.

I am finding it feels good not to get mad. I have been working hard at it. I am proud of myself. I really want to show people how good a person I am.

When it is hardest

2012-01-31T21:44:00.000-08:00

You know what is hardest? Sometimes, doing nothing man. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to wait after you extend the olive branch. Man, having faith. God that is tough at times! I suck at it, I admit it. I am doing better though.

I have come to realize something: we treat others in a mirror fashion to how our soul feels we should be treated. This applies to every interaction. Part of us resides in every interaction we have with every person. I started thinking about that and if you let you mind work on it for a while it really can break you a bit.

Think about it. Every time we do anything that isn't positive, it is because part of our soul wants to be treated like that. Part of our soul feels we our bad. Why? What was done to make that feeling? While thinking about that I realized that I am a drastically different person than I was even three months ago, I really am. In a way I am amazed. I want to run up to every person I see who I was and who I am now. I also feel bad because I realize the people who won't see improvements I have made. I hope things change and they return, I really do. I will always reserve a place in my heart so if there is a return, perhaps things can be fixed.

Yeah, I am eternally hopefully. Shut-up. :-P~~~

An Official Sigh

2012-01-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

I officially sigh. Man. People confuse the crap out of me, myself included. I wish I knew why we all do the crap we do. Never do we make sense. Once in a while, logic is used but not much. You know what is worst? When you use logic on something but it is still not nice. It is kind of one of those logical-asshole moves. I would love to fix things, doubt I can. I get the feeling that the desire is gone to fix it. That is unfortunate, it really is. I really think things could be fixed and even better than they were. I am just going to run with life at this point. I am not receiving any contact at all so I assume that is a hint that things are totally dead and buried. I miss the morning conversations. It was a thing that made me feel special in her world, I knew that she still held me above others. Well, I thought she did. I likely am wrong knowing my luck. Who knows. haha

Anyways, I am back to work and taking care of stuff. We shall see if I finally get the chance to schedule things. I asked for the chance to check my schedule as I had forgot it at someones house, I guess I was not believed. I am getting the feeling that nothing I say anymore is believed. That hurts man as I make a point to tell the truth.

A New Vanished World

2012-01-31T11:29:00.000-08:00

Advantage of taking something away? Everything assumes it is gone. That allows you to almost reset everything for yourself. I have to say though, I really hate that whole "comment from the darkness" thing. It just bothers me. Personal thing I suppose, nothing of significance just one of those things that floats in the back of your head a little. I really do have a whole list of random thoughts floating in my head. I have noticed something as of last night. I am gaining a preference to talk with people and not communicate over the computer. I guess I am changing. Who knew, perhaps I will actually become an adult someday. Stranger things have occurred! :-)

The miracle of mistakes is they allow for a new beginning. Your life changes. Sometimes that can be awesome, sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes people get hurt and they push everything away. Sometimes they embrace help that is offered and move forward. It is interesting how things occur in life. I do regret that I committed that break-up. Man, at the time I thought everything was very different than it really is. It is odd when you break up with someone because someone that does not exist is convincing you that it is the right thing to do. What shall be, shall be I suppose. I look at things this way: Something like that is a horrible, life changing event. If I was in love with someone and that happened I would be really hurt, I would be worried, and things would change. I would stand by them though because if nothing else, I care. Perhaps I am a romantic.

Re: It's Not My Fault

2012-01-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

To whoever said that: FUCK YOU! Yeah, FUCK OFF! Man, I accept responsibility for shit I did. I did some shit that I was not in my right mind for, hence the "Not fully my fault" thing. Opinions are like assholes, we all have them and they all suck. Seriously man, you won't reveal who you are. You won't e-mail me your ID, IM it, or even smoke signal it. You sit in some darkness and bitch about shit I say saying you know me but won't say who I am. WoW. I hope you get buttfucked by Batman.

I have done some stupid shit in my life. There is one thing that I stand proud of. I am real fucking proud that in my life I have never, not once told someone they couldn't have another chance if they asked for one. Now sometimes that chance came with rules, regulations, or some things the person had to do in order to earn my trust back but you know what? I have always offered someone else another chance. Why? The answer is simple: I really am not so damn important that I SHOULDN'T offer another chance.

Indifference

2012-01-29T18:22:00.000-08:00

Fuck. A great word. FUCK! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUUUU-CCCCCCCCC-KKKKK

FUCKING FUCK! Not going to say a fucking there here. Nothing about anyone. Nothing about me. Nothing about how I feel. Fuck off. Fuck you. Fuck life. Fuck ass. God that feels good. Why you may ask? It is simple. What is the point? It gains me nothing. I have shut down my messaging programs. Shut down Facebook. CM is gone. Fuck off everyone. Why? That one is even easier: Why? What do I gain from them? Nothing. In the last three months I have almost died, gone nuts, and had my heart broke. I'm tired man. Just fucking tired. Now, I am moving as I have a new job, pays well. It is funny, you get what you want but things fall apart. Such is life.

All I hear is "Everything is over" over and over. Its over, its over, its over. Rinse, lather, repeat. I suppose it works out well that no one gives a shit anymore. I am all alone at home so no one is around. I really don't ever eat anything, no need to ever take insulin. I just drink soda to stay awake. Not sure how to get around my doctor, he will yell at me. Ah well, not much he can do.

Tired

2012-01-29T10:14:00.000-08:00

I must be honest, I am getting really tired of things. I am tired of not understanding. I am tired of trying my hardest and failing. I am tired of people being upset with me for things that are not my fault. I am tired of not being to fix things when I would severe my arm to do so. You know things are bad when great things start happening in your life and you don't even really tell people.

Most of all, I am starting to get tired of being ashamed. Ashamed in myself. Ashamed in how I acted, Ashamed in what I did. Ashamed I would ever do something like that. You know what, I wouldn't. That's the crazy thing.

There are so many things I am terrified of. I am having trouble sleeping these days. I am scared things will never go back. I know they can, I just need a chance. I just cannot seem to get one. It seems like everyday I wake up with the hope that "Maybe Today Is The Day We Get Our Chance!" and everyday a little bit of that hope gets chipped away. How does one know that?

M F-er

2012-01-27T20:58:00.000-08:00

You know how good it feels to work for a year or two at something, nearly killing yourself and achieving it? You want to stand on top of the tallest mountain and scream at everyone in the UNIVERSE I Did It! You then begin to wonder who to invite to attend. Typically this is a list that you have had going through your head for the last year or two so it is normally all put together. It hurts more than I can put in words however when you realize there is a decent chance that one of the most important people on the short list of people you wanted there will no longer come. I just do not understand. I don't get it. I have not changed inside. I did some grumpy things but it was not my fault!

To My Random Commentor

2012-01-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

"God for a different girl! I know you want THAT one, but shit man, its not happening! Plus she has a husband! Ugh. Don't be so stubborn. I know it sucks having to meet someone and start the whole process over, but c'mon...you know you're wasting your time dude!"

Feel free to stand behind your comment and actually give yourself and identity but if you wish to be ashamed of what you write, that is fine. I shall work with it and reply anyways. Are you her? Maybe. There is a 50-50 chance.

Let us assume you are not. If this is the case then I appreciate the outside opinion. I don't think they have to be over. I am going to try, after all a clear line has not been drawn in the sand. Never has it been said "Look, there is a 0% chance we can get back together for the following reasons...." and until that occurs, a chance exists.

Let us assume you are. Why post this on my blog? What is the point of putting this here instead of talking to me like a person?

I fixed your grammar and spelling. You are most welcome.

Kindess it seems is crap.

2012-01-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

As a kid I always told myself that I would never go wrong if I was a nice guy. As long as I was good to everyone things would be okay. That I needed to be fair and honest, as long as I was fair and honest then other people would be fair, honest, and understanding with me and that life would always turn out for the best. Things were hard at times when I was a kid as I did not understand a lot. I worked really hard though and I slowly began to understand things. I pieced things together...well, I pieced some things together. I have a lot that I have not come close to figuring out.

I have screwed up a great many things in my life. Some on purpose, most through stupidity on my part. I always regret what I have done. I guess that is part of being a good catholic. The hardest thing for me to do however has been to trust people, to let them in so-to-speak. I am really scared of people because I do not understand them and I seem to screw up so much with them. I honestly try not to be afraid, I really do but I just get in these situations and without thinking I just get worried. I am getting better though.

I have always felt alone because I have such a hard time relating to people. I suppose this is why the good friends I have are so very close. I do not have any "What's-Up" friends, I never have. I find myself unsure of what to do. I ask myself what the right thing is, what the good hearted thing is, what the thing to do as a nice guy would be and I can't figure out a G-D thing! lol

Here is the trouble I am having. It would be awesome to get feedback but I'm not going to hold my breath. haha I met someone and ended up falling for them. I slowly began to trust them very much. I had a thesis I had to write and finish, I warned her I would turn into a total a-hole, and I did. That doesn't excuse how I acted. We should always be nice no matter what the situation! Anywho, I said I was sorry and she said she would work to mend things. I was excited. Then, things fell apart. My doctor took me off one of my medications as he said it not helping, it actually was making things worse for me. In taking me off it made all my medications twice as strong which was going to help a lot! I was DOUBLE happy! I didn't tell her as I was going to just be extra good and make her extra happy. I thought a little surprise would be nice, then I would unveil it. They hired a new pharmacist at this time. This new gal mixed up some accounts, mine being one. Of course. Murphy you suck. Man, I fell apart. I turned into a bat-raving psycho and was totally not me. I even broke up with her. I didn't find any of this out until after we broke up.

I don't know what to do. She just tells me constantly she just wants to be friends, she has zero interest in me romantically. That is it totally over for good. It wasn't my fault though. It wasn't me! I just want a chance to prove it, a chance to rebuild things. It seems like she is working so hard to destroy what we had. If it was so great, why? If I was with someone and things were amazing, they fell apart and broke and then the person said "Hey, my doctors told me that X happened and that is why I acted so badly. Can we try to mend it?" I would say sure. I of course would explain it would be really hard, take a lot of time and effort, and I could not promise anything but you are only a failure if you don't try! It seems like she is quite easily, and eagerly, walking away. She has made dates with other people, going out with everyone, and just living it up. Zero pain or sorry, no missing anything.

She tells me she still wants to be friends. I am unsure if we can. She seems to want to lock anything related to our relationship in a steel box, lock the door, and weld it shut. In doing so, our friendship gets locked away as well. Man, this hiding behind safety thing is bullcrap. Life isn't meant to be played safe! Take chances! AAAHHHH!!!!!!!! NEVER does something have to be dead and over unless that is what you want. Anything can be fixed if you are willing to put in the effort. ANYTHING. How do I know this? My parents are still married and damn, if you ever saw them when I was a child you would understand!

So that is the troubles I find myself in. WTF do I do? Where should I go? How do I handle this? I am not like her, I cannot shut off part of who I am. If I feel something for someone, I always will. I will always interact with the person in that way. It is just how I am. I wish I knew what to do and how to proceed. I am trying so very hard to be respectful, try to be upfront, open, and honest with feelings and thoughts, and try to be positive as well. This stuff is hard.

Like searching for the Sword of Kahless

2012-01-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

I suppose there are advantages to the ruin that has become my life. No one gives a royal crap anymore about this blog. Only one person really ever read it. I suppose she still may, who knows? I do not know how to begin to explain the battle I found myself in. It was like I was being torn apart from the inside, it really was. This war was being fought inside my skull. It would be like my thoughts were having thoughts of their own, the world would change on my as I was going through it. I realize the world does change as we live but this was different. It was like reality was shifting. The very fabric of space and time would alter around me. How do you tell someone that? What do you say? I didn't know.what to say. I tried to fight it myself, I tried to figure it out. I thought maybe I was just not taking my medication right, maybe it was because I had spent so long not taking my insulin so I did even better. Perhaps because of my seizures I thought. Funny thing was the better I did, the worse things got. I started having three-four seizures a night. I wouldn't remember who my dogs were sometimes. I had to write so many things down. I thought it was part of getting old.

You cannot understand the fear one feels when that happens. You just do not know what to do. I made it my number one priority to make sure she was proud of me. I fought so hard to be good around her, to make sure I was funny, nice, sweet, geeky, and everything else she liked. I see now I wasn't so many things. I know that I can be that. I realize that is just words. Thoughts on a screen. It is so close after things it will take time for me to prove things. I am sure she is afraid to even say she would offer another chance even if she would. If I was in her shoes I am unsure what I would do. I have always said that I will give someone another chance if they are willing to put in the work but all things take effort and time. I am just scared.

I missed my chance!

2012-01-24T12:18:00.000-08:00

DAMN MYSELF! I am so angry I cannot put it into words. I am SO STUPID! I missed my chance to fix things, and why? I missed it because I left the phone ON THE COUCH! I was going to get it after I brushed my teeth but the puppy started crying and I forgot. End result? I missed her call.

Want to hear the most heart breaking part about things? It turns out a month ago my pharmacy contacted my doctor, Drew is his name, for some refills. Well, there was a mix-up at the pharmacy as there was a new woman there who has since been fired I have been told. I got the wrong medication.

I have a lot of fixing I have to do in my life now because of this. I have friendships to mend and people who I need to get to forgive me. I am so scared. I am terrified she will not. That is the part that breaks my heart. I know things will work because I know the change, I know what is different. God it is hard to type while you cry.

I have not loved someone this much since I lost Gram. Truly I have not. Please God, please help me. I am begging you. Please help me find a way to show her that what I am saying is true.

Please. I am begging. I promise I will be good. I know that often I am not a very good person and I do a lot of bad things. I make up excuses but I know that inside I am bad. I will be good. I know you are punishing me for everything I have done. Please, don't. I get it. I will change I swear. I don't know what to say. People always say how good they will be and what they will do but that really doesn't help now does it?

I just need a chance. I know I will kill it if I do. Perhaps I have been given too many chances, who knows. All I can do is hope.

Mon monde est devenu beaucoup plus sombre et douloureux

2012-01-21T15:20:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could go back in time 72 hours and change things. My heart has been torn apart. I can't stop crying. God, why? WHY??? You offered me a GLIMPSE and then took it away! You gave me a CHANCE but not a real one. Tell me this: How could I have been married? How? How could I have been a married guy and not had my family think I was a total freak? Tell me that? It just seems like it is a situation where she gets all the pluses and I get the minuses. She has multiple men, I get to spend time alone. She gets variety, I get to feel empty and unable to talk to anyone when I really need someone late at night because she is with "him".

Please, fix this. I beg of you. I really want things how they were. Please. I will agree to anything, I truly will. God, I will make you a deal. Fix this. If you will, I will give up teaching. I will agree to never teach. Instead I shall go into whatever job will help out best, no matter how much it may suck.

Wednesday

2012-01-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

Classes start Wednesday. Normally I am super excited but this time I am terrified. First off I do not know if I passed everything last quarter so my stress from my thesis is still hanging over my head. Second, I biffed that class so badly a little while back tha tI guess I am just scared I will fail. Again.

Happy New Years

2012-01-01T23:31:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year. I start 2012 with an interesting mix of things. I have lost my ability to pay for my medication. I have run out of insulin as of 3 days ago. Currently i am unable to test my blood or take any insulin to cover my eating which means I am slowly dying. On the good side I am losing weight quickly. :-)

I believe I passed all my classes from last quarter. I am excited about this. I am unsure how things are with this lady I have been with however. She is out of town and....things went nuts before she left. I get the feeling things are not well. Perhaps I am just worried, something I do a lot I know. I am getting better though.

I am terrified right now. I am dying and don't know what to do. I have worked so hard in my life and I REALLY have been taking care of myself! After 10+ years I FINALLY got my shit together and now....now, it doesn't matter! FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Christmas CHeer and Holiday Wishes

2011-12-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

To any and all around the globe I wish holiday cheer. I do not really feel it today but I am still going to feel the joy and love for others even if things seem to be falling apart. I'll be honest, I am tried hard. Things have become madly stressful. I was difficult. At the same time I worked hard to be good and I think I did a good job of being good compared to the past. I feel proud.

Things have totally fallen apart totally. I honestly do not understand. I am so very confused. Someone keeps telling me how much they love me yet I keep getting a feeling that they are just barely tolerating me. I am so confused. What do I do? It is basically too late to say anything, they are leaving for vacation like tomorrow or something like that. I keep thinking about the past, about how things were. Always She said i was great. i was amazing.

Ya know, I had been working so hard on a x-mas present. Not sure I was going to have it done, I almost had it done then I slipped with a saw and had to start over. Hey, I'm really not good with wood OK? I am good redoing furniture not making stuff out of wood even if it is small!

You know what would make me feel better? It wouldn't be real but the THOUGHT would fix everything! A certificate that she made for something like one Christmas just the two of us, one vacation anywhere I want-anytime I want-just us, something like that. See, I realize that *really* won't happen but it makes me feel better that she is putting it out there ya' know? It makes me feel special.

All of Her stuff is gone. I guess I said She needed to take it. I cannot remember doing this. I said I could not remember saying this last night. I had hoped She would leave Her stuff here after i said i have no idea what She was talking about. Guess i was wrong.

Is She done with me i keep wondering. She said She would never leave but i will be honest...it feels like She has left. I can't do anything to mend things, i cannot bring flowers or anything like that as Her house is VERY off limits. I really just wish i knew.

A return of the trodden

2011-12-14T10:10:00.000-08:00

Some would opt for 'downtrodden' but I am being positive. Part of me really wants to say that but I know it is from terror. The last two times I had a GIANT project like this both of them got done but the question becomes....at what cost? As things got closer and closer to being completed I seemed to also do more and more things which were horrifically destructive in my life. The most recent time I nearly died. I am proud of myself, I have not done anything of the magnitude that I did in the past but I am terrified I will ruin things. I pray at this point that I won't. I am just focused upon getting done, I deleted accounts and changed passwords so the negative things I was doing I can do longer do. It is my hope I can just get things done, people do not find out the stupid crap I did, and life goes forward. Yes, I am ashamed and embarrassed. No, I don't want to talk about it in public. Yes, I just want it to go away. I am learning from it. I plan to talk to my counselor about these things but I would like to leave them there.

Please God, Just Let This Crap Die.

Gobble Gobble

2011-11-25T19:01:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving. Time to talk about what we are thankful for. It has been three days since I talked to anyone I knew. Understand that. 72 hours since I heard I voice that I was friendly with and really knew, not like the dude at Safeway who I see every night at midnight and we say hi. Someone I *actually* know. Who did I spend Thanksgiving with? No one. What did I have? McDonalds. I warmed up a burger. That was my Thanksgiving feast. I ate it just me and my dogs. That is it. This year not even my family wanted me around. 6.96 billion people on this planet. Not one of them willing to have me over for Thanksgiving.

What do I give thanks for? Fuck off.

Damn the man, save the empre

2011-11-15T10:44:00.001-08:00

I hate this place, I really do. I hate allowing people to come here as it looks like some place out of that show "Hoarders". Worst part is I have no ability to change it. If I could, things would look SO different! I see everything in my head. I always see everything in my head arranged in nice neat ways, just how my mind works. I used to always arrange everywhere I was in nice neat ways but I quickly found no one ever gives a crap so I just quit and began just doing it in my head. I could retreat into the neatness of my mind typically and things would be okay and spend the energy on something else. It is something that goes on the "Someday if the impossible occurs and I actually find someone who would occupy a living space with me" list.

Still stuck with school. I must be honest, I am so stressed about school. I am terrified and my mind just spins. I wish I could have a hug. In my mind someone often just comes and pulls me away and just takes me to a park to throw a Frisbee and tells me about their day and how much they missed me and how they believe in me and I am the bestest thing in the world to them. I just get this goofy grin and get these ideas for stuff that I cannot seem to get. God I feel stupid.

Dear Santa

2011-11-14T09:25:00.001-08:00

Dear Santa;

I have not written you a letter in a long time and I am sorry for that. I know I have not been a very good boy for a long time but I have tried. Please do not be mad, I promise I tried. I have been working super hard to get this paper and stuff done and I would like more than anything to succeed with it but Christmas is after the day I have to turn these in so I am unsure you can help.

I know people normally write and list a bunch of stuff. I do not want stuff as I can save up money and buy a new book or something. What I really want Santa is someone who finally wants me. No one ever has and I just would like it if you could find someone who wants me, someone who wants to brag about me to their family. Someone who will let me come over and curl up in their bed with them and tell stupid jokes all night. Someone who I can give the necklace I have from Gram because finally there is someone who won't get mad and go away and tell me I am a fat ugly loser who will fail in life and no one will ever want and that I never should have been born. I have tried really hard to find someone Santa but no one ever wants to stay or make me very important. I am always a short term boyfriend, the guy to date when they have nothing else going on, or the back-up plan it seems Santa. No one has ever placed me first Santa except Gram and she is gone. I miss her Santa. She always believed in me and she would have done anything for her one and only grandson. To her I was the best person that will ever live. She never knew I wasn't a good person Santa so please don't tell. Santa, I wish I could be good like she thought I was. Why am I so worthless Santa?

I realize that you likely do not have this in your bag Santa and you are really busy. Please do not be mad when I ask that if you cannot find this, or at least the hope that someday I will find someone like this, please skip me. I'm really not a good person Santa. I'm sorry. I try real hard but I usually screw things up. I'm kind of dumb and I cannot remember stuff a lot. I don't mean to be bad Santa I promise, please do not be ashamed. Also, please don't tell Gram Santa. She is the only person who ever believed in me and I really do not want her to know that I am not a good person. While her belief that I am the best person in the world will never be true I just don't want her to be mad Santa. I never want to let her down Santa. I may not do much right Santa, but I would like to know that I at least did that right.

I'm sorry Santa. I hope everyone else on your list get what they ask for. Maybe next year I will figure out how to be a good person. I will try, I promise.

I"m just not sure

2011-11-14T08:53:00.001-08:00

I am not entirely sure I will pull this off. I suppose the fact that I have said that in the past and always have should indicate something to me. I am still terrified.

At this point I suppose many would say I am just being negative. Perhaps, but I don't think so. Yes, they are negative sounding thoughts but if they have been floating in the back of your head for 20 years then you are not being negative at the moment if you are letting them out for others to see, you are simply being honest about them. On to the topic of things:
You know what drives life? Hope. Hope of success. Hope of achievement. Hope of anything. It is simply hope that drives it. Close your eyes and imagine your life. Now remove that "Significant other" that you have. (Don't give that bullshit of "I can't imagine life without them" or some crap. Seriously? That is shit a preschooler says. Try using imagination.) Okay, so you are now alone. Now place yourself in a position where you are terrified of your failure. You stand on your own. No one to lean on, no one to hug you late at night when you have been working. No one you can call when your in tears and have make you laugh. You spend your life by yourself. Your friends are getting married, having children, and making lives. You see them and see how wonderful everything is for them. You realize that you will die in a bed all alone. You will never decorate a place with someone. Hell, your never going to have sex with a woman without a condom.
Now one can approach something like this two ways. One, just give up and die. Two, accept that you will not ever manage to get many things and move on. For example, I have accepted the fact that I will never find anyone who wants to marry me. No one will ever see me like that. Never will there be someone who wants to publicly commit to someone like me like that. I do not have many friends. I am not good with people. I accept all of these things. I am the ugly loser who reads books on Quantum Physics for fun or tells physics jokes and thinks they are amusing.

Maybe I am negative but I remember when I was very little and I looked in the mirror. I saw the person staring back and I realized that no one would ever date me and that I wasn't very attractive at all. I am getting better. I have started attempting to take my insulin. It has taken a decade to find a reason to care. I still struggle all the time because many of the reasons that I had/have for not taking care of myself are still a bit valid but I am trying to do something different.

A cleansing mile

2011-11-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

I'm sick so I am unsure how intelligent any of this is. It may be smarter for me to just lay down and be silent as I suspect my brain is not working well. At any rate I am tossing this out anyways.

I'm saying all this trying to be positive. Promise. I really am trying to not be a downer at all. I am working hard to graduate and I will be out of here soon, I have stayed here to help and been a good person so I should feel good about that. I still feel so horrible about how it looks. I see things and I just feel like people look at everything and compare it to their home and think "Wow, what a pig pen. This place is gross!" and judge me. I suppose my fear is that people will perhaps not wish to date me or something for reasons such as that. I know that I would be told that if someone judged me based upon reasons such as that I shouldn't date them anyways. I just need to learn to be better to myself mentally I think. I'm getting there as I can at least admit it.

I keep coughing. My throat hurts. I think it is polio. Honest. The teacher e-mailed me. I lost it a bit. Had multiple people tell me I was being a freak basically and I needed to stop...they said it in a nice way. Here a few minutes ago I was talking to someone and told them I felt bad about how things looked and all that and they said they did not doubt that I felt like that. WTF? I am now wondering if all my friends really DO think like this?!?!?! Man, I am SUPER scared to let people come here. Perhaps from now on I should meet people places. I can't have anyone sleep in the same bed as me but I would be sure that no one would think badly of where I live until I can move. I need to think about this and figure out what to do. Yeah, one of those areas that it is great to be married. You have someone who you live with who it doesn't matter how horrible shit looks, they are still going to dig you, not judge you, and not leave.

A wonder, maybe a concern? I am unsure.

2011-11-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here is my thought. I know it extends into multiple strange types of relationships. I admit this right away. We are going to just stumble into the odd and weird so hold on! :)

This is basically a "What If" query I have.

What if these two people, who are in love with each other, do not both stay with only the other person? We have Bobby and Betty(I randomly picked these names for the record). Betty thinks Bobby is the awesomest dude ever. Now Bobby thinks Betty is pretty rad, but he also thinks that Maggie is perhaps the greatest chick ever. Here comes my query. Obviously Bobby is messing around with more than one person but Betty isn't that kind of gal it seems. Now, there is nothing wrong with any of this! I am just setting up a basis for what I am wondering which is this: Since Bobby and Betty obviously do not have a balanced sex life, is everything okay? By okay I mean this: How are Bobby and Betty to know that everyone is getting what they need? Bobby is obviously getting enough as he is with multiple people but can't that create a situation where Betty is/was wanting/hoping for things to occur that don't because Bobby just doesn't feel like playing with Betty.

See, this is why I stick with only one person. When you date multiple people there are so many more concerns that occur. When it is just two people you can be sure of balance. >sigh<

The advantage of a partner

2011-11-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

Here is why I am jealous of all those who fall asleep next to someone: If you are having a shitty time you can just say "Can I have a hug?" Nothing fancy, just something quick and easy. It fixes soo much! Even if you are not at that point in your relationship, how great is it if you can just call someone 25/8/367 and say "I feel bad, can I have a cyber-hug or something like that?" It helps so much. You feel so safe and secure. It is like no matter what, you have a spot where you can run and get a silly boost of help. I don't think I am being selfish in saying this, am I? I would like to think we all sometimes feel down and need help from others. That is the best part of a relationship. You have someone who will give you that help no matter what.

My new idea

2011-11-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

So I have a new idea. I think it is brilliant. I have gone through it and there is zero flaws to it. Ready? You best make sure you are sitting, otherwise you shall faint to the floor. It is THAT COOL! Alright, here it comes.......stop eating totally! :) I figure the most efficient way to lose weight is to stop eating all together. See? An awesome idea! :)

On a totally different subject I was poking around online today and I found a Domme who had a bunch of pictures of Her and this gal. I am assuming the gal was Her sub/slave(not sure what word to use here). I thought they were cool. There was a permanence there. Some of the pictures were taken on vacation. The spending of money I guess. I guess I have always hoped to find someone who cares. Someone who cares about how I look, is bothered by that crap and wants to take me to change what I wear. That argument over my hat I always wear I have actually wanted to have. I know, stupid right? It is something people hate occurring but I must admit....I dream of it.

All of these things are far from any talk of a sub person or anything like that. I suppose that would make life confusing for someone who may be interested in me like that. I will be honest.....growing up I didn't understand why anyone would ever want me in any way period. Don't get me wrong, I realize that I am fairly smart, I try hard, I can be nice at times. I am also one of the most difficult people one will ever meet. I can be a total assmonkey. I just always figured that These....less than positive features made me so difficult to deal with that no one would ever want to deal with this crap. I sure wouldn't. Why dedicate yourself to an idiot like me?

To answer the pondry though I think I brought up, here is how I figured life worked. I always hoped to find someone who was a Domme, in charge, and naturally I would be their sub. Thing is, I am also a fairlystraight forward confrontational dude at times. Sorry, can't help it. Just how I am. Also, I believe in equality in all things. I know, makes no sense. I have always figured it really does though! It is a question of respect. Do both people respect each other? I think the problem I likely have will relate to frequency. Without regularity I get nervous. It could be that something is always like X. It could be that things are like Y anytime the person refers to me as Z. I don't know what to say, I'm not sure. My life has no pattern at this point. I have no stability. There is no "I will always be called at X time by Y. There will be a message a B time from Q. On Thursday I will meet Y at P." etc. I realize things change but this generalized stability makes me feel better. I can see it and say "See, person Y cares because they will always do P and X." and so on. I know it sounds stupid but I am being honest. It is just how my brain works. It could very well be that for most parts of life SHE has the say or they just play. It is up to the two people to figure out/negotiate. I always figured that would be part of the establishment of stability to life. Perhaps people do not work like that. Maybe I'm a freak.

I feel bad right now. I don't know why, I just do. I feel confused. I don't know what to do...I am really scared. I am scared as there isn't anyone to call, e-mail, or contact in any other way. I imagine there is and I am just not thinking of them. Okay, there is I admit it. I am afraid to contact them. I fear that they are busy with more important people, people who mean much more in their life. I realize they may say that I mean as much as others but I guess I feel like what if I really don't mean as much as someone else and they are with that person? Can you say that to me? No! You can even SAY you would but it would be SOOOO rude to say! Who would say that?

God: I'm confused. I don't know what to think anymore. What is good? What isn't? Where do I find a consistent spiritual hug that would keep me going? At three am when things go badly, what do I do Lord? What should I do when people start contacting me like they did earlier telling me to go away or just suddenly deciding I'm no longer worth talking with and they vanish like I am some piece of shit. God, what do I do? I have been trying, I swear. I try to be good. I have been trying to be good to myself even though I have so much trouble being worth anything. I am really scared Lord. I am trying to be really good, I swear but sometimes late at night I get so very lonely and so depressed. I am so often so very alone I am terrified Lord. I even figured out how much Ritilian I need to take. I have it written down and hidden on a piece of paper. I figured out where to go if I ever took it so no one would get upset and so people would think I had an accident. I don't want to make people disappointed. I have been good and ignored everything but it scares me so much that I figured that out. Please God. Please, I beg of you with all my strength, please help me. I will be a good person. I won't yell, I will make them breakfast. I will buy them cool stuff, I will clean daily for them. I will wire up the house with all sorts of cool gadgets they have never seen! Please just help me. I am unsure if I can take being so alone for a lot longer. I don't know if I can handle the consistency of it. I realize I always have a long list here of what I want but I realize you are smarter than I am. I need to be silent and trust instead so that is what I am doing. Please, please just help. I know there is something out there for help, I know there is a plan. Please, please just figure out something? I cannot take this test much longer.

The Megadeth line keeps running through my head and I do not know why. It is said in french but here is the english translation as I found it: To everyone, to all my friends, I love you, I must leave I don't want to go! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE! PLEASE? I'LL BE GOOD I PROMISE! I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE BAD THINGS I DID! I'M SOOOOOO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!

How often is too often?

2011-11-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

How often is often enough? How often is too often? I realize context plays an important part in everything so perhaps I should provide the context. In this case the context would be a D/s relationship. How often is often enough for the two people to meet and do things together? What is too often? Is there is a minimum? At what point does it become a relationship where the two people deceive themselves into thinking they have something going on when really all they do is talk shit to each other and maybe do something once in a blue moon. Is that enough? I am confused. I know it sounds like I am evaluating things based upon a numerical system but that truly is not the case. I am simply pondering these random things.

I am unsure how I would answer my queries. In my mind, if asked, I suppose I would say that in a relationship like that the woman would be the one who would say when they would get together. I figure they would discuss how often they would get together to play, how long, and what kind of stuff everyone was interested in. Ya' know, make sure everyone was happy. Thing is....when one talks to people like this it seems like everything is left to just set itself up on its own. I am very puzzled by this.

Sometimes I ponder if maybe I am not meant to be with people. I get so confused by things, I don't know what to do, and I just get so lost. I really and truly wish more than anything I could find someone to help me with life, to guide and direct me. >sigh<

On a totally different note I paid.....$40? I think that is about right, for this membership it is seemingly like I will almost never use. At the time I really though that I would be going frequently with this person. I would go on my own but I do not see a point as it isn't a place where people randomly talk to strangers it seems and I do not seem to fit in well. It has been 3 months so far so lets see what happens with the rest. I am going to try to be positive....my brain is trying to be negative but I am going to try to stay positive.

Interesting Oddity

2011-11-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you are with someone specific, you are always happy. The world is just better. The sun shines brighter, birds chirp louder. When you think about them you always smile. When they leave however......this hole appears. It is like your soul just goes on revolt. It throws a fit and says "DAMNIT, SHE LEFT AND IT IS YOUR FAULT!" and so your brain just goes sideways for a bit. It is strange.

I have no idea why this happens but I have some ideas. Physical activity, along with sunshine, cause endorphins. Ya' know, the brain crap that makes you happy. Perhaps my brain is going into pout mode. Instead of allowing myself to do this, how about I go out and do something outdoors. I know I have said this before but I have contacted a couple friends who live near me and they shall give me a hand with this. My plan shall work. :)

I shall see her Sunday....well, that is the plan currently. I hope she still wants to do it. Perhaps she wants to meet Thursday. I am hoping. :) I am doubtful but a dude can hope can't he?

Oh yeah! I nailed my head yesterday. I wish I got a picture, it was pretty rad looking. Blood EVERYWHERE! Anyways, I guess I got a mild concussion. Go me? I figure it is a souvenir of it. :) I cannot remember getting one ever so here is me Super-Rough-Manly-Bad-Ass injury. Fuck off, it is bad-ass and manly! :P

Post Parting Blues

2011-10-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a situation where someone asked you to give them a back-rub? Maybe their foot hurts and a little massage would be awesome? They toss out something super cheesy "Darling, my arm is killing me....." and then give you a little smile. Yeah, it bugs you to no end but at the same time it feels good. Why? It feels good because that person is taking the time to try and get you there. You are being manipulated....on purpose. That takes some time, it takes some effort. You need to appreciate that.

You know what people do not appreciate? Regulation. It feels good knowing that you will hear someones voice every morning. You will hear them tell you they love you every morning no matter what happens. No matter what fails. It is nice.

I'm really scared. I have this injury on my thumb and I don't know why. I cannot remember what I did. I remember how I put it there I just do not remember the setting. Someone was upset with me. I cannot remember who was upset though. I did something wrong. I can't remember what though or why. Fuck. Man, I feel so helpless. I really want to go hide. I'm being good though, just working on school and hoping to hear from a certain someone. I figure she is busy and I won't but I can hope. :)

BOO!

2011-10-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

It is Halloween so I am officially tossing BOO out into the world. For Halloween I am going to be a visible version of the Invisible Man. :-) I am off to a party tonight for Halloween, it should be fun. Originally I thought I was going out for a date but no-go on that.

The party should actually be fun. I deleted what I was previously writing, a diatribe about couples and the whole anniversary thing. Instead of doing that I think I will just work on homework. I really want to worry less and work more. It is difficult but I am feeling good about it.

Stuck on a pole

2011-10-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ever want things to change but you feel like they won't? You really want a significant change to occur but....nope.I suppose if I get through school quickly then I can get a job and a place to live on my own. I can create my own little alcove in the world where it is just me. Then I can just go to work and then hide out from everything.

Last night these people were talking about their Halloween party they are throwing at their house. They are married. I sat there listening and I felt jealous of them. I have never done that. Always thought it would be cool to throw a party like that.

I feel really hollow and insignificant. I basically feel very empty. I really don't know what to do. I have given up a bit inside I think. I have given up the fight that I had for things. As I sit here I know inside that basically I am standing all alone on an island and it sucks. I wish I had company.

I am really, really scared that one of these days I am going to grow tired of feeling alone and unwanted and not be able to ignore things. I am not sure how much the world would notice if I did something like that. >shrug<

Yeah.

2011-10-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

I have decided I talk too much. I need to learn to be silent. I need to keep to myself more. No one really gives a shit about the crap I say, I am not insanely popular or anything. Shit, I really do not think of myself as popular as all honestly. I don't think I get noticed at the places I go anyways so it doesn't matter. I have noticed that as I have been doing things differently one thing I had been doing was making lists in my head of things that haven't not occurred and been hoping they would occur. What I would do is hope that people would do specific actions.

Honestly, I was being a fool. Life occurs the way it occurs. Some people are just meant to be one of those chumps who lives alone and goes to work. Other people get married and have tons of people to date and there are millions of other variations of people. Some of those options suck. More than anything I do not want to live my life alone but I realized a long time ago that I am going to end up living all alone. I wish I was one of those people. I wish someone out there wanted me.

Hopes and Dreames

2011-10-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

I figures this would be a good idea, an entry for me to return to and update. I suppose this defeats the point of an entire blog but fuck off. This makes sense to me.

We all fantasize about specific things. Some of those things we share, some we hide away because we are embarrassed. I spent my life in private school so I was often ashamed of how I feel. I guess that is why I have such a hard time today. I admit I love anal play, taking a strap-on, being forced to do things, having someone else in control. Many things i am afraid to admit as i am scared. i would really and truly hope that i can give total 24/7 control to someone, this however is scary. i would say right now that i have found a woman that honestly i do trust that much. She is wonderful, easily one of the most beautiful women i have ever seen, and totally supportive of me. i would gladly do anything for her. Just one minor hitch but i have hope. :)

What else? Humiliation....i have found that the enjoyment of my partner means more to me than anything. It is amazing.

I have realized something. It is important. It may seem very stupid, but important. I need things to be predictable. I need stability in my life. I have not had a lot but I do crave it. It is this stability that i think, more than anything, would be most helpful in someone. I gain a multitude of things. First off there is a stable friend and reliable partner. They won't leave no matter what. Next, someone who is always honest. This one is difficult because we all claim honesty but how to we prove it? How honest are we really? We claim that we aren't dating anyone else but it is easy to hide another person for example. Next you have reliability. Someone to rely upon. Lastly I guess the idea that someone is thinking/worried/concerned about me for a period of time feels good. At some point my friends will have a random thought about me but this isn't a random thought this is something significant. This is something that has cause huge impact upon their life and permanently.

Permanent change. I think this along with stability. There are a multitude of various things that sound fun like extended edging, forced sissification and a huge range of other things but these two go to the heart. I am not saying I am not going to list off the huge range of things, I will. Likely tomorrow or later tonight but these two are the key and I have realized it. Stability and permanence. See, this permanent change is showing that I am permanently important to that person and the whole world will know it. It is symbolically cutting off their arm I suppose. Everyone knows "Fuck Me, THAT is serious!" I am just scared because so many people have left in my life that I thought could never leave. It just makes me feel like I matter ya' know? The stability just gives me....stability. It is something I can lean on when I am scared. I hope the other person can lean on me as well. I do not mean to sound selfish here, I really don't! I want to be a support for the other person in any way I can! I hope they will help to mold me into exactly what they want. I really do.

Not sure of the days

2011-10-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

So, I went to a doctor today. I am feeling quite confused. I have to be honest, I am not fully sure of things. I have seizures. They make me forget things sometimes. It is really rough. I find myself scared. I was not taking care of myself for a while but I have learned to quit that. Instead of making things worse, I have learned to make it better. I am getting better with everything!

OOOHHH!!!!!!!!!My HbA1C was normal-ish. Now it was not PERFECT but hey, it was close! The average they said was about 180. You know what that means? That means my blood sugar for the last 90 days was NORMAL! It was IN RANGE! I cannot remember the last time that was true. :)

I guess I am writing about the doctors today because it turns out that the plans I thought were coming true for Monday I remembered totally wrong. It sucks not being able to rely on your memory. I swear it happened. I swear on my Grandmother, She even mentioned the costume in my memory! I could swear she said ideas of what she might have me wear for Monday! Man, I remember being so excited! I have been looking forward to it forever because someone had asked me, ME, to a party. Understand: This is something that I have always wanted to occur that never has. Ya know, I still have two events going on this week but it is sort-of like I had invited a beautiful girl to a concert and she bails. I still have the tickets and can go to the show but you kind-of lose the passion you know?

I think part of what has slipped away was I felt so honored that this person made a commitment to me on a holiday. I realize that no matter what she would have been off doing something else as she has a standard commitment for Halloween. My fault so I guess this whole thing is a moot point. I was super excited because a party requires a commitment ahead of time and people would know I was going with her, also I could make-up for a previous screw up. I would get to show her I could be good in front of people.

I really want the chance to make up for things. I really do. I have fucked up so badly in the past. I am amazed she has not left, I sure would have if I was her. Lucky for me she has opted to give me....let me see, like a billionth other chance? I really hope I can finally prove myself. I am sarcastic a bunch but I would like it if SHE was in full control of everything with me. I would even hand over passwords. Yeah, I have never said that one in 35 years. That is significant. The thing about that is regularity. I need it. I need stability and regularity. She does not live near me as she is married to someone else and has been for a long time. I realize that places things in risk but I truly would do anything to be with her. She means the world to me and I want to be everything she wants in the world, I really do. I work so hard at that. I feel confused these days. I work so hard on school and life and I feel like I am stuck. I wish I knew what to do. I really do.

Define being a real man

2011-10-26T01:14:00.000-07:00

I had trouble sleeping. I was wondering...what does it mean to be a "real man"? What does that term mean exactly? Now, females will say to males "You aren't a man, your just a sissy" or something like that. Often however that is done in play, something just to excite each other(Why that occurs makes me wonder but that is a post for another time). What I have been pondering is if I am a real man. Does a real man make millions? Do they own a huge mansion? Would they be married with a bunch of kids? Do they have a ton of friends or are they just confident in all they do? Is a real man someone who proceeds forward in life but is still unsure?

I find myself so very scared regarding life. I am afraid of where things currently are headed and how they will end up. I am afraid of hurting people. It scares me that there are those who are so damn loyal. It scares me I guess. I know they believe in me, even if they do these really annoying fucking habits, and no matter what I may ever do they will never step away. I guess feelings like that scare me. Then there are those that I know whom I must tread lightly with. You must make sure that you say the right thing for situations with them can be difficult at times.

I suppose this is just how things are with human beings. All humans are difficult at times. No matter who it is we shall all tell lies, exaggerate the truth, and tell stories. Anyone who ever tells you "I never do that, I swear" could be the biggest liar you have ever met. I will admit it, I do it. Am I proud of it? Nope. Have I done so recently? I have within the last....oh, 90 days from this posting lets say. Yeah, I know I fucked up the moment I did it. Man....I am so damn confused right now. I swear to fuck. I would feel so much better if things would just....I dunno, calm down for lack of a better word? Gain clarity! THAT is the perfect way to say it! If things would just gain clarity I would feel so much better. I wouldn't be as scared. I am so afraid of things. I wonder if I am a real man. I do not live in my own space, for all intensive purposes it is impossible for us to go over to her place to spend time together. I'm not just talking sex, even if it were to just go have dinner. Impossible.

I was laying in bed wondering about things. Perhaps I need to change things. I have become complacent. While there are a vast number of things I cannot change, alter, or modify there are a vast number I can. Perhaps I need to stop looking at other peoples situations and start looking at my own. They say that external change starts within. Maybe that is true.

FU

2011-10-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

I got an ad from Group-On for some awesome travel coupons. Man, I cannot tell you how cool they are! I went and looked at them and some other stuff. Crap. Those are sweet. I really gotta be honest, I really feel a bit unhappy after getting those. The only reason is because I know I will never get to go on one of those trips. Never will I get to go on a vacation like that with someone I have been in a relationship with. Okay, I suspect I shall not. At this point things are not looking promising. I really would love for that to occur, you have no fucking clue how much I would love it. I figure that the best idea is for me to simply work hard on getting life done and hope things take care of themselves. I have been working on being positive. That seems to make a difference. We shall see.

I've lost it

2011-10-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

I have lost my medical insurance. No way to pay for anything, no ability to take care of anything. I am just sitting here by myself, head about to explode it hurts so badly. I am so lost. I have all this shit to do for school and I am unsure if I can get it done. I wish someone would just sit down with me, wrap their arms around me, and just work forward with me on shit ya' know? Just say what we shall do now and what next.

A fresh recourse

2011-10-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things just suck. No other way to state things. I have a bunch of stuff to do for school but I cannot remember really well what to do. I am worried about this. Perhaps I should not teach? I have tricks to help with my memory but I am worried that perhaps a teaching is something that should be done by a person who cannot remember things. It is a real issue.

So this weekend went sideways. We were going to go away somewhere and it ended up not occurring. I have several worries. First and foremost I fear repetition. Then I have a concern regarding setting. >sigh< I remind myself that all of my fears are totally pointless and stupid. I realize I will never be able to marry her so there is no reason to worry. Don't get me wrong, I would love the chance but one must be single in order to marry someone. That is where the trouble sets.

For a moment things felt....different. It felt like everything was different. Not sure how to explain it.

Approaching Fear

2011-10-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm scared. I am afraid of today. I have a meeting where I have to teach, I have a bunch of stuff I have to do for school, and I am afraid of getting everything done for my life. I am very scared I will screw up again like I did last time. I really hope not. I have a strange feeling to toss out as well. Ever tell the truth, work hard, and relate stories correctly....but you fudge them? It could be one of a billion reasons but the exact reason doesn't matter. It has to do with having a crappy memory. You just have troubles remembering stuff. It really isn't your fault. It isn't like you plan to forget things or remember something wrong or something. Crap just occurs. It is rough...and very scary. You talk with people and wonder if they know what is going on. Do they know about the issues that are going on in my head? Do they know everything I have trouble remembering? Do they know of the struggles? I am afraid they will walk away. I have to have faith they will not but faith is one of the hardest things to have in life.

Man, so many things have occurred over the years. So many things that I have forgot. What is worst is when I remember....part. I see it in my mind, I see the event. Maybe I will smell it or taste it. It gets horrible when I start remembering and I do remember the event so I tell about it but later I find out I have confused multiple things into one event. That has occurred a few times in the past. It is really rough. What do you say? Sorry, I have to re-tell the story I am fucked up and my memory is bad? Riiight. Basically you just smile and try to get out of the situation you have created. I need to go take my meds, I think that is why my head hurts and I am feeling shitty. Things are how we make them. I am not going to allow today to suck.

A sore for sight eyes

2011-10-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

Man, life has been busy. I have been slammed with school and so much other crap. It is shocking how rough life can get. Life is all about balance man. I have been helping in a school classroom lately and my life has been taking an interesting turn. Ya know, you say you want your life to go one way but you discover that you wouldn't mind if it went a totally different way. Much like love. It just seems to run things on its own. I really wish I understood how it ran things. What really drives me nuts however is people. People drive me nuts. I have a good reason though!!!!! I have always been very adept at figuring out a persons secret insides, make sense? We all have them. We have things we hide away, things that we do not give others access too much. I have always been able to see that part of people. I am unsure why, I just have. People would always demand I then say what I see which makes things feel like a parlor trick or some bullshit. It is true though, I swear. I marvel at the things that people hide away, what we refuse to admit. It shocks me the crap that people settle for. They accept second best because they are scared. I'm not saying I'm A#1 or anything but seriously? Grow some balls!!! Yeah, I am a sub in bed but you know what else? I'm not a total pussy in life. I'm not a little bitch when it comes to getting shit done. Yes, I don't have the most ideal living conditions but considering how many people currently are homeless I'm not doing too bad.

I really wish I knew the truth on life. I had dinner with a friend the other night and they made me doubt things I have been told. I have been wondering if it is truth or maybe not.....I know there is nothing I can do about it and no point in wondering but stuff, one has to wonder ya know?

Late for a hot mess

2011-10-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Fuck. Mother Fucker. I cannot begin to explain the potential anger I feel. I suppose it is possible that something horrible happened causing everyone to be gone. I have doubt. Even if something bad did occur...man, you can leave a note. Something! Just vanishing without a trace? Just plain rude. Worst part about this? I cannot eat tonight now. I ran out of needles and can't get to the pharmacy....well, I couldn't get there before they closed so I found myself screwed.

I realized something the other night. Isn't it odd how we always see the other side of the coin as being better? Recently I messed up and did not appreciate what I had. I shall make no excuses, I fucked up. I intend to keep in my heart the mistakes I made and hopefully never make them again. They were pretty huge and I am really sorry.

Hearing a rumor, fighting a song

2011-10-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

It is interesting what people suggest or see in a situation. My "adviser" I will call her that I met with today agreed that in the past I have been my own worst enemy. It made me feel good that she made that past tense though. :) I am really trying hard to be better, I guess I am succeeding! :) I do find myself stuck a bit but I often find that in life. It is a funny thing, life. We are presented with difficult situations and it seems like life DARES us to solve them. What do you do? How do you solve it? Do you have the guts to face things with difficult morals? Will you make a painful choice, even if you know it is right? She and I talked about the situation I face, how I feel, and what to do. It is rough, no doubt. Oddly enough, I am glad I am in it. I am glad life has placed me in a difficult situation where I am challenged to do what is right. I always claim that I am a very moral person. I am being offered the chance to prove it. It can be scary though. It is scary to change things as you do not know if what you are changing things too will be better or worse than how things are now. Hopefully they will but who knows?

My friend also gave me some good advise today. He told me I worry too much about others, I care too often about the crap other people give me. While I will never stop caring, sometimes we need to just tell ourselves "Ya know what? Fuck it!" and go have fun. Perhaps I should relax more.

As a totally side thought....I wonder how people become professional bloggers. Seems like a rather cool job. You just write crap, people respond. Seems fun.

Fear the mistakes, learn for the future

2011-10-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

So I had two seizures in a row a few days ago. I write this blog entry as a way to remind myself of things. Also, I need to get things out of my chest so here it all goes. After these occur my brain takes a few days to get in line. I forgot this fact Wednesday....through today honestly. Things got very dark and turned into an unpleasant fight or series of them. Not sure what to say there. I really feel bad for them. I caused them. I will accept blame. Today she did things as we had agreed, I acted badly. It was the first time doing things that way so I suppose I should give myself some breathing room.

As I write this, I am feeling better. I felt bad before but I was letting things get to me. I need to work on things if I want them to improve. I was doing that. I was getting there and improving things. I messed up and slid backwards but no one is perfect. I feel good that right now I am smiling and I will get better tomorrow. I have not ruined anything. I have faith. :)

Ever lost it all?

2011-10-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

Man, I tried. I tried so hard I promise. I was doing so super good as well! I had someone who believed in me. Who wanted me around all the time. Who thought I was valuable and special. Man, I thought I was on top of the world. Everything has come crashing down however. It turns out I am rather meaningless. I am nothing special. I am just some bum. This weekend is their anniversary. I was going to see her tomorrow. I was excited but she asked me to stay away. I thought things would be okay. I thought maybe I hadn't done something stupid this time. You know how many times I have sat there and looked at her and wondered why me? Why someone like that would ever want a loser like me? She can have anyone. She can do anything with anyone. She had TONS of men and women BEGGING to be with her but I am lucky enough to be someone she wanted to be with. I thought tomorrow I would get to see her, I would get to make it a good day finally. Guess not. I guess I really am the loser that is easy to throw away. She broke up with me and stayed with her husband, my only chance is if he leaves her. She will never leave anyone for me. I am not worth it. I am not a good enough person in her mind. I am just some loser. I get pity. Actually, I am not even worth pity in her mind. I am worth nothing it seems.

Thursday I had so much planned for her and I. I had rented an entire restaurant downtown. It cost me a fortune but I sold some of my comics I had from when I was a kid and got the cash together. I got a friend to write custom music for her. I made some stuff special. I had put this all together, it was going to be a date. :) Instead I got thrown into the gutter. Man...she said she feels guilty because I was going to come to her school and volunteer. I was going to put in hours toward my graduation. I wasn't coming in as a boyfriend or something, honest. I was coming in as a dude who was working hard to graduate. She was going to help me. I had a bunch of stuff to talk about. I was excited. I was so excited to see her and start things from scratch. Start them anew. Instead here is another sign that I am not worth as much as him. Where is my anniversary? Where is my weekend where being around HIM would make her feel bad? HUH? WHEN? WHEN THE FUCK IS IT THAT SHE WOULD FEEL BAD FOR HAVING HIM AROUND BECAUSE IT WAS OUR GOD DAMN TIME? Answer? THERE ISN'T! There ISN'T ANY fucking time like that! NEVER would there be! Why? I am some worthless piece of shit she can throw away. She uses me.

I thought that for once all those things I had been told were lies. I thought that I was lucky. Never did I think I was that lucky ya know? I thought that I was the one that the most beautiful woman in the world wanted. I thought she would fight for me. She isn't. She never will. She never will fight for me. She felt guilty I was coming tomorrow. WTF? WHY? We weren't going to have sex. It was for SCHOOL! Why feel guilty? Answer? It is because deep down you think being with me is WRONG. You are ASHAMED of it.

For a short period of time I had it all. I had a woman who meant, and means, the world to me. Someone who held ME, ME, on a pedestal! ME! For a short period I thought that she would protect me from anything. She would do anything to keep me safe. She loved me more than anything in this world. Then things feel apart. My heart weeps. I know that it doesn't matter that much to her. She has a husband, she has lots of men who will fuck her or she can beat so there is no reason to care. I hurt because she became the love of my life and now she has thrown me away.

Honesty is the scariest policy

2011-10-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

They say honesty is always the best policy. While this is true they fail to mention one other thing, it is also the policy which can create the most fear. It is so much easier to just get angry and yell. No one asks anything, they do not wonder, they do not try to do anything but leave you alone. It is also a fairly stupid policy which causes one to be quite alone. I am trying to change my life and part of that is learning to be totally honest, not just with others but with myself. I am finding that this policy however is creating some concerns for me thus this blog. Part of this blog was a place to put thoughts that wouldn't go away. I could just stick them here and not obsess anymore. A good idea that I turned into a place to be depressed for a while but no longer.

My concerns are this. First and for most I have a general worry that the dishonesty that I have shown toward friends cannot be repaired. I fear that what I was told in the past was true, that I really will never "Find Anyone" as they say because of my faults. I realize the numerous faults in this and that this thought really is just an attempt to sabotage what I have but I shall not let it work not to mention I do have someone who cares very much about me. While I am not getting married tomorrow I still have a lot of work to do before I am the man I feel I should be in order to marry someone. Forever is a long time, I need to make me the best man I can first. Lastly I fear that my necklace shall be taken away. I tried figuring out how I got it off and I can't. It is too small to do that but I did somehow. I am terrified of that but I realize if it occurs that it is for the best and I shall not stew, get depressed, or angry. I shall accept that this is what is meant to be and role with it. Perhaps it is a test for me to prove that I really have changed.

I am trying to look at every situation that way. I look at things, at least in part, as though they are a test from life so I can prove that I really am trying to change. It is easy to say that one wants to change, it is hard to prove it.

Honesty and faith. Two of the hardest things in life to have, maintain, and keep.

Please note: I understand that part of this may read as though I am going back to being my old, depressed, needy, selfish self. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am trying to be honest, open, and clear with my thoughts prior to becoming depressed.

The joy of visitation

2011-10-08T22:14:00.000-07:00

Remember as a kid when you would have a sleep over? As we become adults it is an idea that seems to become silly. The significance behind sleeping at another persons place becomes lost. I am of the belief however that there is a significance that is being lost. If you always go to someone elses place to hang out and sleep everything becomes very one sided. As adults we do not see things this way but I think on a subtle level this is very true. Where we live is very personal. It is out sanctuary, our space from the rest of the world where we can retreat. Letting people visit is important but there is significance behind allowing people to actually sleep there. You are letting them invade your personal safety. We are at our most vulnerable when sleeping and we are even more vulnerable if this occurs in our own home because we have our life contained there.

Honestly I am unsure if there is any significance behind this thought. It could just be a dumb random thought that I have had or perhaps something more. I shall have to let the back of my brain stew on it for a while.

I can say this: I have spent the last few days doing nothing and loved it. I haven't done anything of significance like have sex with a supermodel or something. What I did do is make sure to have fun, I spoke up about life, and I was honest about everything. Sometimes this wasn't easy but I did it. I also learned a lot about myself.

Finding love in a stupid comedy

2011-10-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

Movies are interesting things. It is a medium where one can create a different universe for 90 minutes. The world can be anything you want. You can shape reality in any way you desire. I just finished watching "Hall Pass"(by the way it is an okay movie, nothing great). At the end Owen Wilson goes to his wife and there is a very beautiful scene...well, I thought so. The thing about a movie is nothing that occurs in that movie will ever occur in real life...or will anything come close. That doesn't mean one can't watch a scene and think how they would love to have something like that occur in their own life. The beauty of the scene is how fragile both characters are during it. They open up a part of themselves and tell the other how much that person means to them and that from a moment in time on they knew that no one else could ever replace the other. The scene is below(I remember odd stuff, so sue me).

Him: March 25, 1980. Approximatly 10:30pm.

Her: Whats that?

Him: That's when I lost my virginity.

Her: But...we were dating then.

Him: Yeah, I know. You were my first, my last, and my only. I love you Grace. You are my one and only. You are my everything. I love you.

Her: I love you too. You are my last as well...maybe not my first though.

Sharing

2011-10-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

Sharing. A very interesting thing that we humans do. It has a very unique dynamic. My recent thought on it is this: I have noticed that when I initiate sharing I have no issues with it. When initiated by others I do. Perhaps it is the lack of control that bothers me or the fact that I do not establish the ground rules. It is an interesting thought none the less.

Sometimes one works too hard

2011-10-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing how life works. Sometimes it is the mistakes of others that help us learn best. I have been working on a great many things for a while and feeling like they just wouldn't click. Last night a friend of the family got badly hurt and in discovering what occurred I realized a few things. First and foremost(That is spelled with an E? Really? Who knew?)is the issue of appreciation. I have been taking such minor things and making them huge. Life is too short for that. Secondly, I forgot to just have fun. Screw it man, what is the worst that can happen? This one I think may have started to cost me a relationship I value more than I can put in words. I was....a butt-hole earlier. I realized how hard I was pushing her away and I do not want to do that. I was putting shame and misery in places I should not. I was stopping fun from occurring that I shouldn't have stopped. I was being what I always fought to not be: stupid.

I forgot that in life what matters most is you try hard. Win or lose, as long as you did your best and HAD FUN you succeed. I will admit, I worry about the damage I have done due to my pushing. I see what damage this friend of the family has done and I hope that I have not done anything I cannot repair. Typically this is where I would start going off on how scared I am about things...blah blah blah. Instead I am going to tell myself that all I can do is try my best to fix things. Say I am sorry, concentrate on being positive, and prove that I mean what I say. I cannot say exactly how to accomplish those things but I have faith something shall prove itself. :)

Fear Failure

2011-10-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

I am fairly sure I have messed up. Big time. Huge. Gigantic. Monumentally in fact. The person I meet with Saturdays told me that I did good yesterday but I cannot help but disagree. I really feel like I have put myself in a very bad position. It is my feeling that I have caused members of the faculty to have a negative outlook upon me. This is never good when one is trying to do something. On a different but sort-of related note, I have upset the friend of someone I care about. This makes me wonder who else have I bothered that I never knew about? Perhaps it is best to not assume interactions went well. Instead carefully examine them for holes in what was done.

I will admit, I realized one thing yesterday. I tend to run away when I am scared, hurt, or something is wrong. I avoid instead of confronting. I cannot help but wonder how many people have I driven away by doing this? How many potential relationships have I ruined through this habit? How different would my life be if I had not done that? I am going to try and not do that anymore. Confront things, be open and honest, and work through them head-on. I do appreciate the help of a very special woman who has been dating me. Things are not easy, I will admit to this. I am apprehensive to say how helpful she has been because it is a fear that I may create a situation where she may want to leave but feels she cannot because of the positive comments I have made. It makes sense in my mind. She has been amazing though and so very helpful. I cannot begin to explain how much she has done for me or how lost I would be without her. I only wish I could see her more often. It is my hope that perhaps once I am done with school and I get a cute little place maybe I can invite her to move in if she wants. :)

Nothing wrong with having hopes and dreams. :)

Public Request

2011-09-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

I spend 99.87463% of my time on this blog bitching about shit in my mind. Not always with any point, often just shit to get off my head. The world is not all about me though. That is why I decided to post this.

Is there anything that anyone would like to know about me? Any query you wish to pose, anything I may have said that created question, interest, or doubt? Any actions I have taken in life that you want to know something about? Anything I may have ever said that you would like to know about?

Since it is anonymous there should be no worry about what it is you are asking. There are many ways that information in life can be shared so I make no assumptions on anything. No matter what it is I shall not be upset. I shall respond honestly. All I ask is this: Please respect other people. Do not use specific names of others as I do not have their permission for information on them to be posted.

I am doubting anyone will respond to this but I figured what the hell.

So close.....

2011-09-30T03:25:00.000-07:00

I was SO damn close to the perfect evening. I am not going to beat myself up over it, I am going to remind myself what we did so I don't do it again. Hopefully everyone will forgive me. Perhaps I am tired. First off, remember to let things process an extra long time if it bothers us. That means don't take it serious at the time. Maintain your smile. Always. Secondly always keep in mind that making others uncomfortable isn't okay. Third, there is nothing wrong with change. It may be scary but it isn't always bad. I really did some super-duper stupid stuff though at the end of things. I look at it in my mind and I wish so badly I could go back to a very specific moment and just tell myself to go to the bathroom. If I had done that things would have been so different. I ruined the whole night in five seconds. Funny how such a small mistake can have such a large impact. I hope that truly I did not damage anything. I am terrified I did but I am telling myself over and over that things are okay. That she isn't leaving, she loves us and that things are fine....as long as we learn. Make sure to remember this. Try our best to say what is going on.

OK, I admit it

2011-09-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I am coming clean. I am head over heals in love. Totally crazy about her. I cannot get her off my mind, I check to see if she has contacted me like 20 times a day. Not kidding. I always hope that any e-mail I get is from her. My phone rings and I hope she is calling. Anytime I am with anyone, it truly does not matter who, I am thinking of her. I wish I was with her no matter who it is. I always wonder how she is or what she is doing. If something is wrong all I want is her arms around me. I grab my collar like 200 times a day and run my fingers over it and think of her, think how lucky I am. People compliment me on it and I am so happy I can hardly contain myself. I just smile and say thank-you and tell them who gave it to me, why, and how amazing she is and how I love her to death. I know I likely sound like a Junior High kid but I cannot help it. I have found that having something that you wear from a person you love is rather interesting. You always want to keep it near you and protect it, you always find yourself reaching to touch it and think of them but you know you likely shouldnt because it causes wear on the item. You feel like you should put it somewhere safe, protect it and always enjoy it(I dont have this option but in theory it is there lol). Just an interesting observation. I have wondered if I had a ring or something from someone I loved how that would change if it would. I am guessing it would not change at all, that I would feel the same way. I have discovered that wearing something from someone you love means a great deal more than I ever thought it would. Having never really received jewelry from a gf in the past this is a first and I have discovered I am very very proud. I have noticed I fall asleep every night with my hand on it running my fingers back and forth thinking of her and how lucky I am. Funny the things we do when we aren't thinking about it.

Things that were forgotten

2011-09-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

It is strange where you remember or re-discover things. Sometimes I think to myself that I have forgot more than I have learned. This is likely true. I learned something today that I had forgot....from my dog. One of my dogs is likely the happiest creature to ever live. I am not kidding on this one. While watching him I realized that being happy or sad is not a result of the action but the person. Actions have no polarity, they are indifferent. A bullet is not happy or sad nor does it care what it hits, it just is. People place the polarity on things regarding happiness or sadness. I think I have forgot that lately. I have been allowing myself to place a negative spin upon everything. I think I have been caught up in a self destructive cycle and allowing others to have an effect upon what I do. I need to work harder at only letting me determine what I do. No one else.

P.S.

2011-09-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

Personal bet with myself. Won't hear anything until maybe late 29, likely +1. Once again everything gets worse, I can't tell anyone. No one to even hug me. and promise things will be okay. No worries, I have spent enough time by myself fixing things in life.

Advantages and Disadvantages

2011-09-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

Love. It is a very complicated and risky thing. I was thinking of advantages, and disadvantages, of being in love. The advantages are obvious.

(All of these are said under the assumption that your relationship is established in a well balanced situation)

Advantages: You have this wonderful happy feeling, you always have a partner to rely upon, you always have a person to talk with, there is someone to listen to your stupid jokes and roll their eyes at you, you have someone to go try new things with you and feel silly and if nothing else you can check your bf/gf out while at the class and think about how great they are, you have someone who you know is thinking about you, you get cool notes and letters and stuff randomly

Disadvantages: You get hurt. You risk your feelings. You can easily screw things up by hoping things go one way but not knowing how to make it go the same way from your side(sometimes you do not know if the person would like it if you randomly dropped off flowers or something else romantic and you are really scared to do all the things you want because you fear you are just going to make stuff worse so you just end up doing nothing. In order to make a relationship work you must be willing to risk yourself and change who and what you are.

2011-09-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Heard a saying "Life is like licking honey off of a thorn." I must admit, I really like it. I find myself confused and frustrated. I think Merideth was right. I feel so very stupid. You have no idea how stupid I feel. I am determined to be positive however so I am going to stop talking about any of this. No more. I'm done being peoples bitch. No more letting people wipe their feet on me. Equal treatment or none at all mate.

What would you give?

2011-09-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

Query for pondering: What would you give for someone? What would you sacrifice for someone you love? We all say "I would do anything for you" but would you? Would you walk away from a religion that you built your life upon, turn your back on it and never associate with it again because it hurts someone you love. If you found someone and your mom was always mean and put them down, would you tell her to leave you alone because it hurts this person? What if you built your life around a certain belief or habit, it is now part of who you are but it tears this person apart. Would you agree to change for this person?

It is an interesting question. It creates a vast number of things to consider. What is most important, how important is the other person, what is really part of who we are and what is something that could be altered. Sometimes it would be like getting butt raped by a Buick however one could still pull it off. I have pondered things like this in the past. Things I cannot give up, at all, under any conditions: My family, my puppies, my friends, my Grandmother, my sense of humor, music, reading, being able to smile, independence, honesty, and equality. Everything else I could alter, give up, or somehow change for someone depending upon how much they mean to me and those eighty billion other factors. It has taken a lot of time for me to figure out this list. There are a vast number of things I used to have on there that I realized that I really would at least try my best to alter for someone in order to make them feel better. I may be unable to give up being Roman Catholic but I could alter how I approach things for someone. I could agree to not go to church, not mention things, maybe hide my bible and only look at it when I am by myself and they cannot see or other things. It would be rough but I could do it. I could even alter my interactions with some friends. I can see a situation where someone reminds them of something bad or something else so I could work out a code with the person so we could talk and other stuff. It would all be very hard, it would mean serious changes in my life and I would have to be positive that this person was the one in order to embark upon these changes but I know I could do it.

That brings up a secondary question: How do you know someone is the one? How do you know that someone you have found REALLY is the one? We are human, we screw up. How can you be sure you didn't make a mistake? How do you know that the love you feel isn't really based upon fear or something else you have inside you? Perhaps you met the person when you had a personal crisis that you didn't know was going on and the "love" for that person was built upon that creating a false feeling. It happens ALL the time. Perhaps this is why divorce is so common these days. People have begun to realize that they are human, that mistakes occur and sometimes you embark upon what you think is that one relationship but it really isn't. That isn't to say that the person isn't awesome, that you don't create love for them after a while, or that they don't do something in your life. Perhaps someone fits better is all I am saying and how do you know that is or isn't true? Something to ponder.

Out

2011-09-28T00:12:00.000-07:00

So I got asked out tonight. I really didn't know what to say, I was stumped. I have never been asked out in my life. I was just offered a number and told to call if I want and things can be worked out. When coming home I got to thinking and I was sad and a bit hurt actually. I guess part of dating someone in my mind is that you care, that things bother you. You object when the other person does something because it matters, because the person matters. I know that no objection will ever be raised if I go on a date or even if I date another woman. It makes me sad and hurt knowing this fact. It also makes me wonder....what is the point? What is the point of saying you are together if you don't care enough to protect things? Why bother declaring that you are together with someone if your not going to fight for it. I wonder if perhaps there is no point seen in any of that because of the role I am viewed in. I guess in my mind and my heart I am more than just this one role. I figure that if a relationship will work that people have to play all roles. Everyone is Dominate at times in the relationship and everyone submits to the other person at times. Everyone stands up and screams in anger at times while everyone is exuberant at times. Balance. I am sad knowing that it does not matter what I do and honestly it makes me question the validity of things if there is no fight. They say that it is the fight that brings a couple together so why can't that be true? Maybe I am just hoping that someone would actually care enough about me to actually be jealous and be willing to tell someone to leave their man alone. I have been informed that, for now, that will never occur. I know that honestly I would feel better if it did. It would be something I could hang my internal hat on ya' know? I could say "Look, you aren't someone to replace! You are someone to fight for, someone that someone else cares enough about to be jealous over!" Think about the kind of greatness that creates jealousy? At this point that is very much not me. :(

I feel so lost. Is it all about sex? Is there true balance or am I seen in this lesser role always while she is always to be dominate and right. Would I always be expected to do as she said in all things, would it ever be the case where things occur just as two people who love each other. I dreamed the other day that she went and got out her key, removed the necklace, then told me that she wanted to just be a couple right now. We cuddled, we talked, we slowly took each others clothes off...man it was amazing. It was different and special. It was something that I felt like she had never shared with anyone....in my dream at least. I know I am likely wrong as there is at least one other person who has been shared that but in my dream I wasn't. Who knows.

I also keep having daymares about being told a very odd thing. It was enjoyment of very large guys and how it is fun when they hit the back of the cervix. I am terrified to get naked at all again or anything. I can't do that. I know I can get larger as I get better but I will never be that huge. I am terrified now. I am so afraid. It is something that is really enjoyed and all I see in my mind is these men who are huge and hearing her moan loudly. It makes me ashamed and afraid, I just want to vanish from site. God I am confused. I feel very isolated. I know it won't be until late next week if we get together. I guess that is how it should be as I am nothing special, just a secondary guy. I suppose that is the nature of the poly thing and why I don't do it. No one is special and they are so easy to replace. I also am still so hurt from Thursday.

I have also decided from now on I am going to start filtering my actions better. I need to think more before I act. This way I won't seem to go have a fit like a child or turn into a crying baby. Also, I need to stop crying in front of others. It is pathetic and needs to end. No longer will that occur. I know that some will offer the argument that being willing to be sad/cry in front of your partner at least shows a lot of trust and builds the relationship. I wish I knew the answers to all these other questions I have that I keep trying to put down but delete. My heart really hurts a lot.

Off.

2011-09-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

Decided that it is best if I retreat. I just shotgunned an e-mail to some people asking about a potential room I could use in the short-term to sleep in. I think I can find something. School is getting worse, Casey said he wants nothing to do with me. Randy said he hates me.

An awesome call

2011-09-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

Just received a phone call. It was a gal I once dated. She was calling to ask how I was. I said I was in school. She laughed and said she was not surprised at all that I was not actually doing anything productive and that I am still as pathetic as I once was. She asked if I had actually got any farther in life or if I am still as much of a joke as I once was. She then said that I should be proud of one thing, I am the biggest mistake she ever made. She said she has yet to come across a male who is worth less, lazier, uglier, worse in bed, or more of a joke than I am and she said it is unfortunate I am ever still around. She said she is now married to a real man who has an actual job, lives in his own house, and has actual friends.

All I could think of to say was that I am sorry.

Broke Promises

2011-09-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

It is because of my that the puppy has his leg broke. I cannot explain how horrible I feel. What is even worse is they are cutting me off state assistance on the first. I am filling out paperwork and it is horrible seeing how pathetic my life is on paper. When looking at it I realize how little I have done. My work resume...my experiences....my skills. Man, I have nothing. I am nowhere. No skills, no future, no promise that I will ever be anything. It is interesting how sometimes one event can open your eyes.

I have never considered really doing anything serious to kill myself in my life. When I finished filling out this paper with all this information about how pathetic my life is I just envisioned grabbing this pill bottle and solving everyones troubles. No longer would anyone have troubles in their relationships because of me or would anyone feel bad. No longer would I cause people to be upset. Life would run smoother, be cheaper, and life would just be better for everyone. I really do wish I had the guts for it. So many people I know have done so much. I compare myself to them and I have nothing. There is nothing to compensate. I have nothing that I can use to say "Yeah, well I did X instead of Y." All I can say is "Yeah, you did X and I was a lazy loser and a bum." I really think I need to disappear. I can just pack a small bag and leave. Not sure where to go but I have a warm coat, I will figure something out. My insulin will not hold out long but thats OK.

Nice even 100

2011-09-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

So I have a temperature at a nice and even 100 degrees. It is just me and the puppies for the next couples days. not sure why I am saying that, it doesn't really matter. I lost a sock. It really bothers me because it is one of the super nice ones. I hope I find it. Life is strange. I really want to talk to someone on the phone or get a random hug. I think my brain is being weird. I hope I did OK this weekend. I think I did but I am unsure as I didn't know any of those people and it is always hard to tell if someone is being honest or just nice. I did a good thing last night though, I really did. I said something which was super-duper hard for me to say but I said it because I knew it was the right thing. I didn't want to make something worse for someone so I suggested that they go home even though I wanted them to stay so badly and I knew I could offer advise/suggestions on staying with me and push things to go my way. I knew in my heart though that what is most important is that I be a good person so I made that suggestion. They ended up staying and I got to cuddle with them which is wonderful. :) As I type this though my mind wonders about things as they are for them compared to me. I see them as one person ya' know? I guess things wouldnt change on how I see them depending upon if we were bf/gf, Mistress/slave, or something else. There are realms that are not appropriate for a relationship but that is different. I guess in my mind it seemed like there was a line were I was clearly the bf. In social situations and things like that I guess I got the feeling I was clearly the bf ya' know? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining I am just sorta rambling stuff out. I doubt it makes sense. Things changed it seemed in a play situation. While I was still her bf that became second. There are small things that just made me feel like this. At the same time I think I may have really ruined things the other night when I got super mad. I really messed up. I was really bad. I hope I didn't damage things.

A weekend, a cleaning, a poking

2011-09-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

I know that this weekend was quite a challenge for many, a confusion for some, and scary for me. I passed my class so I am very happy about that. I spent the weekend at this ranch helping people. It was odd. Lots of people who are into things I am not and a lifestyle unlike my own. I felt out of place a lot of the time. I think I was afraid that I was out of place. People start talking about beliefs regarding marriage and things like that and it is tough to discuss sometimes ya' know? It is a sensitive topic and it makes people mad so often that you train yourself to never talk about it otherwise you will lose potential friends. Upon reflection I am afraid I made myself look bad or that people thought I looked like a fool. I suppose there is not much I can do about it now though.

I confessed also this weekend. You know those things in your life that you put together because it makes you feel safe, it makes you feel like your life is something to be proud of. You insert small lies because the truth is pitiful. You realize that if you told the truth no one would ever want a total loser like you. I suppose the argument then becomes "well, you should change things huh?" Perhaps one is in the process or perhaps you are caught in a trap where if you initiate major change your family will fall apart and you are really all that is holding things together so you are caught in a situation where you have to keep the house and the finances stable. You wish so badly that you could change things, that you could live somewhere else so a girl would actually want you and want something to do with you.

I wonder in my head if perhaps I find things with which to make things worse. Like if things are going well I ask a question and then find details that I cannot measure up too and make myself feel bad. For example you discuss sex with your partner. They say they enjoy it when a gal with a huge chest hits him in the face while you have sex but you have a small chest. He still digs your chest, he loves you very much. You just cannot give this item he really enjoys so you feel really bad. You worry that you cannot measure up. Perhaps you already worry you cannot measure up because things don't work right, you aren't very big, you can't do things that you should. You worry about how well you can actually please her.

Lost.

2011-09-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have done a lot of bad things in my life. Many things I regret. A lot of things that have really screwed up the direction I wanted to take my life, or improved it depending upon your POV. I suppose if I want to be honest they did both. I also admit to having a few tendencies that I am trying hard to get rid of. First off, I tend to sabotage things. This one I do not ever do on purpose nor do I realize what I am doing until I am sitting in the middle of it. At that point I always try to fix things and typically I can. I have found honesty usually fixes the problems I have created but a few times in the past it has not so I learned from my error and moved on. I also have troubles with depression. It is like a huge hamster wheel for me. I get upset and hop on that wheel and after a while it gets going and I do not know how to get off. It is just zipping around so damn fast. This one I have not yet figured out any idea on how to fix. Sometimes I feel like I am really ruined my life with these things that I do and I wonder how amazing things may be if I didn't do these. I remind myself that I cannot fix the past and focus on what is in front of me.

This brings me to today. I am so very lost and I wish I knew what to do. I am lost and very, very scared. I have always had my family I could get help from but they have walked away. For the first time in my life, my family has told me they want nothing to do with me. I do not have a lot of friends, I really don't I am terrified to talk to any of them because I am afraid if I do I will lose them so I have decided talking to them about what is wrong is not an option. Tanya loves me and will always listen but all she will be able to say is that she is sorry and that she believes in me. I do not mean to discount that, I truly do not. That is a very kind thing of her to say and I know she means it. Sometimes, while chocolate may be awesome it just won't fix things ya' know?

What am I doing? Am I poking holes in things just to ruin them? Am I bringing things down just to destroy them? Mandy once told me that dating me for the first few months was a trial by fire almost everyday. I didn't mean to be such a bastard and honestly I thought I was a good guy. I guess I would often push her to the test. We all have our troubles, our issues, and things that are problems for us. Perhaps mine are more external than most? Just a random thought I just had. I know someone who seems to have everything together. A perfect relationship, an awesome job, tons of friends, and they never get depressed or upset. A bunch of people who support them. I have come to realize that our flaws that seem to bring us closer to others and make others happy.

It is fucked up to say but give me a second, there is logic here. It is these imperfections that make us human. These troubles that we have make others feel like they can manage things because they see what we have struggled with and either overcome or are enduring. This pain makes others feel like they are capable. It is easy to say to someone they can make it, it is harder to say that they can make it because I have had troubles as well. Being open is much more difficult than just telling others how they should endure.

I also just realized that I have huge trust issues. People say they will not leave, they they believe in me, or that they truly love me but I have issues believing them. My mind pokes holes in all of this and I have a lot of issues with faith. So many times as a child I remember that my dad told me what a piece of shit I am. I remember as a kid I had my one and only friend Andy. I thought he was the coolest kid ever. We played all the time....as long as we were alone. He said he was sorry but he couldn't be my friend when anyone was around. He said he didn't mean all the stuff he said when people were around, just part of what he had to do. I didn't realize your friend was supposed to always tease you when people were around. What was worse was he knew what scared me so he was really good at teasing me. I guess I became used to being made fun of and as a result just assumed people would eventually do this and I sealed off things from the world. I guess I still tend to do this. This is why I see relationships I think in a priority order. I do not see each one as a unique connection but something on the list of relationships and I struggle to be at the top. If I am at the top then I know that I am safe. The person at #1 is safe from being abandoned and they can be sure that it is safe to open up. I never really thought about this before. It explains a lot.

I am really scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have lost all of my dreams I was working for and even worse I feel like I let those people down I gave my word I never would. I promised John that I would make him proud. He always said that I was such a good person and that I would do such great things. He went to bat for me so many times and stood by me so many places. He taught me so much. Gram always was proud. No one ever was prouder of me. I remember that look in her eyes when she would talk to me about something I had done. No one has ever looked at me that way. It was a feeling that I was a great person for just having managed to wake up. She had such endless faith in me. I wanted so badly to make her proud and to show her that this endless faith was a good thing.

I miss them so much. I miss them everyday. I miss so much having someone to talk with that looked at me with that faith. I miss having someone at my side who believed in me more than anyone else. I miss knowing that this person would always come help me, they would always stick up for me above anyone else. I knew that even if John's wife, a woman he loved more than his own life, said something bad about me he would stick up for me and tell her to go away if she wouldn't stop being mean to me. Never would I ask someone to do that but that level of faith makes you feel good. You feel like you can do it all.

I think lately I have been destroying my life. I have been slowly destroying everything I had built up. I have nothing left it seems. I know this statement is not true, it never is. Never do we actually have nothing. Even if you are about to be executed you have something. It just seems that way at times. This statement also insults anyone who is still at ones side and if you are in this list I say now: I am sorry. I do not mean to insult, I really do not. I am really just lost. I do not know what to do anymore, how to do it, or even worse who will be there except Jackson when I am done.

I wish someone was as eager and thought as much of me as my chihuahua does. It sounds insulting but I come home and this little 3.5 pound puppy runs as fast as he can and is as eager as anything that I am home. The look in his eyes lets me know that he only loves me and no one else, that no one else on this planet will ever matter this much to him and that I am his hero. It feels good ya' know? Perhaps it is impossible for a human to think that highly of another human. Who knows.

Pocket Rockets

2011-09-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

I heard a guy tell a story today. Part of the story involved him going and showing someone a picture of his wife that he keeps in his wallet. He said he looks at it everyday. I think that is very sweet. That is very romantic. Imagine, someone has a picture of *you* in their wallet/purse to look at anytime they want. It may mean less now that we have cell phones that can hold three dozen pictures in them but still. The idea is really sweet.

Ever had a side thought

2011-09-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

Ever been talking with someone and you have these little side comments that hop in your skull. It is fascinating how they just slide into your mind without warning. It is almost like a commentary track on life. Lately mine have been rather angry and doubtful when it comes to people. They have been comments in that style of "Yeah right, if that was true then why did you do X" or "Yeah, of course you care about me....and those other people. I'm REAL special." Things like that. It kinda shoots apart what others think a bit. I'm not really trying to think this stuff ya' know? This shit just totally pops into my skull without warning. I will bring it up Saturday. Interesting thought as to why it comes up. Perhaps I should assume something about myself from it. This terror of failing has me feeling very dark. I feel like I just want to go hide and tell the world to go fuck itself. I typically go hide when shit goes wrong. Very rarely have I had anyone around when things go wrong so I don't really assume people will be here to help me. I know its a bad assumption and it tends to isolate me from people. I admit I create my own misery. I really do wish I wasn't me. I wish very much I was that really cute guy who women think is smart and funny. The guy who they always like to talk with and tell friends about after meeting because he was so interesting. The kind of guy that women go and randomly hand a cell phone number to hoping he will call. You know that guy.

A Couple

2011-09-19T00:56:00.000-07:00

Had a chance to see this couple earlier at a coffee shop. I was getting steamed milk and they were sitting there just being so wonderful. It is amazing seeing two people who love each other that much ya' know? It doesn't matter what stupid shit occurs between them but there is this place inside that only the other person can satisfy. I saw that look in both of their eyes. They look at each other and I simply knew that no other human could ever fill that void. Imagine how that must feel. It does not matter where you go, what you do, or who you spend time with. There is still this void that only this other person can fill. There is only one person on the planet out of six BILLION who can do this. Even more than that, you do the same for them! What are the chances? For both people there is this equal void inside of the soul and this other person is the only person who can fill it. While away from the other person you feel a bit sad and lonely but at the same time imagine who awesome it must feel! That feeling of knowing that there is someone else who feels the same as you do and they only want you. No one else will do. Maybe they could have others. Then again maybe not, hahaha. It doesn't matter, what matters is this person is saying every minute of every day that YOU are the only human who can make their soul complete just like they do for you.

I have made a choice outside of school and everything else. I figure that perhaps I will feel better if I address what has been bothering me so much. It is for this reason I am going to have a ceremony sort of like a cremation and burial for my hope at a relationship and wedding. I figure I will find people in my life stupid enough to date me but maybe if I bury those dreams I have buried away in my soul of a long-term partner and wife then I can start filling in those holes I have. It makes some sense to me. Maybe I am being negative but I would like to think I am actually being positive for a change. :)

Nummie

2011-09-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

For lunch I had chocolate chip cookies and a tuna fish sandwich. I realize this isn't the healthiest for me but I also realized something: fuck it. Hey man, what the fuck? Why the fuck am I stressing over shit that doesn't matter. While it may not be the healthiest it made me feel better. I think this is a good idea honestly. I should narrow my life more. I shotgun things a lot and I worry so damn much. This isn't good. I need to focus more upon what matters. I think part of this means getting rid of people who are in my life as there are a lot. I am going to do this once I find out what is going on with Monday-ish.

As no one ever comments on this crap I am just assuming no one ever reads it. To follow this logic I think I am going to go through and alter the publication settings and have things set so they aren't really open for anyone. What is the point if no one ever reads it or anything? Makes sense to me. I am going to worry about this once I find out what is going on with school though. It is possible I may have to re-take a class. I am unsure what to do if I am in that situation. I may talk with the school and take time off after the coming quarter and just go work for a while. I may retake the class while I do my T.A. type thing I have to do. I only have two quarters total and then I start looking for work. I do not think I will get work though, none of my instructors seems to think I am any good. None of my classmates seem to think I should teach at all either. I really want to do it but no one else does. It just brings your spirit down a little ya' know?

I always thought the great thing about being married would be that I could come home and make someone else dinner, give them a massage, and hear about their day. I know people say that the best part is that you can have sex with someone else or something like that but I always thought the awesome thing would be hearing about someone else's day while getting this stuff together for them. It seems silly but I always thought that would be cool. Had someone today tell me that I will never be married because I am ugly, stupid, and pathetic and no woman would ever want me. I tried tossing out a reply and fighting them and being positive. They told me it doesn't count if it is done out of pity.

Sometimes failure is the best you can do

2011-09-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

So the quarter has ended. I have tried so hard to make a good lesson plan, I really did. I always redid things when I was told to do so, I tried to keep in mind changes I had to make when I had to embark upon a redo. I really thought I learned with each one. My teacher indicated that basically I am a failure. He asked for my favorite lesson plan and why, I was very honest. I said the reason I picked the one I did is because I feel like it is the only one I ever did that he said was any good and it was nice actually have once where I got to feel like something other than a total failure. I feel so horrible, I want to cry. I figure I will just go to the store, get some ice cream and some cookies and hide.

Really shitty part? I had been doing so fucking good. I had taken my insulin perfect, eaten awesome, been all smiles, nice to everyone, and just generally positive! I came home feeling like a billion bucks man! I then read this e-mail from my teacher saying how much a stupid bitch I am and no one gives a shit.

Corner Ideas

2011-09-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

This will be updated again. The concept of want is very odd. Wants are fluid things. What we want one second totally changes in the next. Maybe not wants....interesting thoughts. Some items that have never occured in my life that would be neat.

A tattoo. It would be neat if someone got a tattoo related to me. That is something permanent which is why it seems nifty to me I guess
Structure around me. This one is a bit selfish, rude, and kinda is me being an ass but hey....this is my blog. Fuck off.No one has ever held me in such re gard that they have had it seem like things revolved around me or that they made me #1 above all else. That would be neat. Think about it: a human being decides that you are more important that anyone else among six billion people. That is crazy.
My tummy hurts. A lot. I think something is wrong. I am fairly sure I know what. Not gonna worry about it, just gonna lay down. Not much reason. I know, I know: I need to go and take care of myself because all these people care and such. Here is what I have noticed though. Everyone who says that has someone and generally the person they say it to has no one. They spend their life falling asleep alone, traveling alone, or figuring out life alone.

Fear the death chihuahua!

2011-09-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have a chihuahua asleep on my shoulder as I type this. It is hard to type with a snoring ball of black fur. I have found some things are rather interesting. Perhaps the theory of the experience is actually greater than the experience. Isn't that strange? I do have one thing that I am curious about: sex. Say you are in a relationship and you say it is okay someone gets it on with others. Does sex still mean something with you and that person? Does sex mean something different if it is alright if protection isn't used between the two of you? I have wondered that for a while. Maybe it just means there is more trust in the relationship? It could also mean absolutely squat. I suspect that I read into things quite often. I'm trying to be more positive and happy. It is odd, I have been noticing the darker side of things lately. I thought about things last night and I came to a realization. There is a lot that I may not totally dig that I could deal with. What I really am searching for, I mean what I really hope for in a relationship, is simply this: I hope for someone that I can fall asleep next too. Someone that I can spend life with ya' know? It may seem stupid but that is what I am shooting for, that is my goal and my true dream. The worst part is that honestly, I still don't think it will ever occur. Honestly I am trying to be bright and positive but I don't have much that would fuel a positive hope on this one. I don't honestly have any potential situation where things could reasonably turn out that way. Not like I have tons of gals chasing after me. I am not getting any younger. Nothing that wrong with living alone I suppose. I can design my 747 guest bathroom without any interference.

A narrow wish

2011-09-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

My dog has a piece of pizza crust. He is sooo happy. I am jealous of him. I wish I was that happy. I used to be. I was. You become happy with this joy that you know you cannot wipe off of your soul. You are just ridiculously happy. You realize that it isn't real. You feel your soul fall apart into pieces. You long for a companion, some sort of partner. Your so desperate just for someone who will be your teammate but you realize how wrong you are. They have their partner and you are nothing but something temporary. Its not like your a POS but face it chief: no one will ever choose you as your one and only.

Even when you are write sometimes yew are rong

2011-09-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

Doing the right thing is sometimes a horrible thing to do. Not always does it mean that you will go with what you have the total faith will make you smile. It could break your soul but you also know inside that it is the right thing to do. When making a choice that this however it is rough. You have to pick between something you really feel like you want and the other side. The trouble is this: the other side seems like it cannot gain resolution without people splitting up. I am getting hints from other peoples friends that this option will not occur. Typically I try to make my own luck but I am dealing with a lot of outside variables here. I feel like I am violently treading water. I am flailing all about and barely managing to keep my head above water but if I am honest I would admit I am slowly sliding below the water.

I feel so alone and in pain.

It feels like my significance has gone. This is a reason I hate that whole "Poly" bullshit that people go through with a relationship. Look, be an adult. Don't be a damned child! Take your time and pick someone who really turns you on. Someone who you really love to be around! The kind of person where they may piss you off, you may get in a fight but even if you are raged at them you still have that soft spot ya' know? What you do is take the time to find that person, that special person. The person you ALWAYS want to spend your time with and then guess what? FUCKING SPEND YOUR TIME WITH THEM!!! This is why people practice monogamy! When your partner makes a choice to be with you above everyone else you feel significant! Yeah, they make check people out. Nothing wrong with that but are they chasing? Nope. It feels nice knowing that this person is happy with just YOU. That they have had faith that YOU are enough for all time! What hurts most is that I have come to realize I do not think I have a chance. I feel so very sad. I cannot put in words how horrible I feel.

Learning from pain

2011-09-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is from pain that you learn the most. A rather crappy thing if you really think about it but it is the truth. I have been stuck lately and my heart has been hurting a lot. I have been trying to figure out what to do as it is not a situation I really can handle at all honestly as it causes my depression to rage ahead. I have been trying to handle things because I really like this woman but there is only so much that one can do. I am not in a living situation currently where I could support just her and I. I have thought about how that situation could be resolved and I have come up with ways but I do not think any of them would work as she would have to stop living with her current partner. I had a heart breaking experience last night. I think she admitted to me without admitting it that I'm not going to win this. I sit here and pray about as hard as I ever have before. Inwardly I truly do have a strong belief that if she and I could figure things out that we would be together for a very long time. Her friend last night seemed to imply/indicate it seems that the reason she and I are really together is more of a physical/attraction thing than truly being in-love. I could be wrong though, I read people wrong all the bloody time.

Terrified

2011-09-09T23:53:00.001-07:00

I admit I have not been this scared in a very long time. I feel like my thesis is not nearly long enough....that it is just B.S. and it won't be good enough. I feel like it will just been seen as crap and that they will not pass me. I admit it, I am terrified.

Lonely

2011-09-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

I find myself very sad, lonely, and alone. I really just wish I could have a hug and someone saying that I am worthwhile and a good guy. I really feel that desperate alone feeling. Its like you were playing on a football team and suddenly the whole team just bailed on you and your left floundering all on your own. That is how I feel right now.

Someone out there I think you should leave your name, your number, your e-mail, your something! That contact info so I can have someone to talk with ya' know? Someone out there to help me feel....desired. You know that feeling man. You look around and see people and know in your heart that this person can't think of anyone else. That space deep down is permanently covered ya' know? Its something that just occurs and you don't know why or how, you just realize one day that this person had occupied that empty spot in your soul and you cannot be without them.

Sometimes you find yourself submerged

2011-09-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

I have some stuff that I need to admit too. It may seem silly, ridiculous, and childish but I have been walking around the bold honest truth because I am really scared of it. I found someone that I just want to be absolutely life changingly miserable with. Life is a series of challenges and tests. A myriad of tests that we try to pass and sometimes fail miserably. Think of those times though. Those times when you face a test which appears larger than what you think you can manage. It is a mountain in size! Those are times when a partner is needed. A special someone who can carry you up the mountain. I want to negotiate that mountain with this person. It terrifies me to say this, it really does. I have spent my life exploring and testing what life has to offer. It may seem silly to say that there is someone I want to be miserable with. Life is full of bright spots but the real test is the darker spots. Typically we avoid them or hide by ourselves to handle them. Instead, do you want to tackle them with that special someone? Are you excited to figure them out together? All I have at this point is hope. I hope, pray, and plead for everything to work. I promise I will be good, I will make her happy. I am not perfect but I will always try my hardest to make her life everything it can be. Never will I be satisfied, never will I rest.

Damn the distance

2011-09-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the worst thing that one can cost a relationship is distance. Lies, trouble, hardship, turmoil....all items that will inflict a toll upon any sort of relationship that multiple humans are in. People have always confused me. They are complex creatures which fight over things which cause pain and sorrow. We rip the heart and soul out of someone else for reasons that cannot be understood by anyone. This is just hot things are.

I hate fighting. I really do. The entire process has always bothered me. It is a process which causes blood and pain but what is the goal? To win? To conquer someone else? To break his face apart so you can prove how cool you are? I feel like I am sitting in a ring like that currently. I stand in this box all alone it seems. It scares me. I have been fighting things more and more lately. I haven't been doing very well. The path of ruin has been getting stronger lately. It is a bit funny when it comes to that. I fight to take care of myself, things get better, then they begin to fall apart and it all just falls in on itself. Its like a house of ruin. I'm really sad to be fully honest. I'm sorry.

I quit

2011-09-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

I had class today. I had to do a teaching thing in both classes. I tried my hardest and failed miserably. I have to redo everything I did. I sit here feeling horrible, no one to talk with, no one to offer me support. I have come to realize I have no one in my corner to help me when life falls apart. People have others whom they marry or are dating and can call anytime. I have no one like that. No one who will lend me support anytime 24/7. I really just want someone, anyone, who will be MY partner!

WHAT THE FUCK IS SO WRONG WITH ME? Not a SINGLE person is willing to dedicate themselves to making a permanent partnership! I am a temporary fixture at best. It sure is easy to say your not leaving when you have someone isn't it? Its easy to say you will never leave when you have everything you already want. It is even easier to say when the person you say these things too is some pathetic piece of shit no one wants. Some fat ugly loser. Like me.

The terror of progress

2011-09-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the most terrifying thing in the world is progress. I am so very scared of it. I am terrified currently of school. I am so very scared of just getting out, of passing, of getting credit. Sometimes I feel like my mind exists in a dark alley ya' know?

I am coming to realize that something that irritates me is silence. People will take-in information but they do not reply and it bugs me. How do I know if what I am saying makes sense? How do I know if what I think is rational? What if what I am thinking is insane? Just something, anything. It also lets someone know you care. I'm not saying you are in love with the person but if you actually give a crap about what they are saying then you obviously care to some degree so what not express it in some form? Just my opinion. I understand that being verbal is hard for some people. We all have hard times with some things.

My councilor talked to me about some things the other day. She talked to me about the concept of commitment, loyalty, or morality. I came to her saying I was sorry for having poor morals, for showing someone disrespect. It was an interesting talk. I have always said that we are always responsible for our own emotions so never should we blame someone else for how we feel. She basically said the same thing but for false commitment. The gist that I got from the conversation was that commitment requires time, patience, and sacrifice. Never will any of us get *everything* we want out of life. Just not how things work. What we do is try our hardest. Sometimes you have to take some bad to earn the good. I have oddly enough always embraced the bad, I have a reason though. Without the bad in life, how does one know what is good? We require one in order to have the other. Enjoy the good, embrace the bad. That has always been my motto.

I have found a renewed heart inside when it comes to many things. I really am looking forward to fixing some of my troubles without complaint to others. I realize I may have already done that about these things but I am letting my complaints die. Instead I plan to tackle these things full force! At the same time I am learning to tackle things with acceptance. Part of my trouble is that people do not make the commitment that I make to things and then I beat myself up over it. Instead I need to look at what other people do for commitment and balance what I do. If they are unwilling to match my dedication and/or commitment to something than that partnership is not meant to be. Instead I need to scale it down a notch until such a point that the other person is willing to match my commitment.

The Impossible

2011-09-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

I figure I will start a list of things I would really like to happen but I see as impossible. This shall be an ongoing list.

Get married
See Led Zepplin in concert
Fly around the world
Have a surprise party thrown for me
Throw a couples BBQ
Own a '67 VW Dormobile
Visit Australia
Fly on the Concord
Fly on a private jet
Have someone get a tattoo related to me
Not die
Take care of my diabetes even though I try
Be the super-hot-guy in a bar
Have a woman brag to her friends that she is dating me and she isn't dating anyone else because no one could be better than me in her eyes

I need a vacation

2011-09-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

How many times has someone says they need a vacation? They "Need to get away" or something like that. Sometimes it isn't the event but the people on the trip that matter most. I have gone a few places in my life, done some cool stuff. Not bragging just being honest. There is one thing I have never done that I wish I had. I have never told anyone, always kept it secret. I have always wanted to go on a trip with my "partner" ya' know? Common occurrence for many people. Not seen as a big deal for many and honestly, more than a tad embarrassing for someone at my age to have ever done so. I really would. It would be amazing to go on a road trip, maybe fly somewhere. Have to get out passports together, figure out how we want to fly and where to stay. It would be awesome. Imagine seeing all this stuff with someone else that you never saw, taking pictures of everything. Finding someone to take your picture while the two of you stand in front of something neat.

Suppose something to place on the "Impossible" list 'eh?

When it isn't a real relationship

2011-09-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

I have come to a thought. I realize it is one that many will tell me I am wrong for but I could care less. Heck, I don't see a point in even worrying about what people may think as no one ever leaves a comment. My thought has to do with others actually but not in the way you may think. We are so worried about what others may think or how they perceive things in life. It is just one of those things. My query is this: How does the ability to share knowledge impact how legitimate it is or does it? If something has to be kept secret does that invalidate it? I always felt like it does. I know it seems silly but growing up I always wanted my family and friends to be proud of me so when I did something, anything really, I made sure to tell all of them. An aside to this is that when I went to do something I always mentally examined it and wondered if my family and friends would be proud of me if I did it.

Guess that's why I never did drugs or drank. LOL

As I sit here I also begin to wonder this: Maybe I am picking things apart really badly because I am in a shit mood. Perhaps it is because I know inside I am doing something bad. I really have no clue. I wish I did. Damn-it! Why in the crap does everything have to be so difficult? Why in all that is decent do people have to be such a pain! Man I try to keep crap simple. Truly I do. Always I have viewed life in a very simple fashion. Nothing complicated, nothing with tons of grey areas. Mainly black & white. You either DO or you DO NOT. Commitment. That is what may make things easier for me. A plain commitment. Clean, easy, simple. Everyone knows where they stand. You just agree on the goal and how to get there and you are done. No more grey area of worry. No more concern over stuff.

If that is true though....why do so many people get divorced? I will tell you this: If anyone was ever stupid enough to marry me(I have $500 that says no one shall, anyone feel free to take me on this bet. I'm serious on this.)I can promise you I would do anything it took to make things work. Anything. Shit would work between us because I wouldn't let things fail. Come on man, they are marrying me! That takes guts! Not sure I shall ever find someone that psychotic/dumb/brave. One can hope for impossible though!

A late night hooplehead

2011-09-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

I have been watching Deadwood these last few nights. I forgot what a good show it is. So the character of Trixie killed herself at the star of this episode and I just watched thinking what a smart woman she is. If I were to do that, how would I? What would be the best way? I am unsure what the answer is. I wish I knew, I truly do. I know that I am tired of this weight on my heart. The only person in bed with me are puppies. Isn't that pathetic? Things won't get better. They never do.

Man, I remember once when people always respected me. I was someone of fucking importance. My name meant something. What do you do when your goal seems to be the destruction of another persons dream? What if someone else finds and realizes their happiness and what you really want stands in opposition to it? Is it fair for you to pursue what you want knowing that if you are successful then they will lose? That doesn't seem right nor does it seem ethical. It seems one should respect the achievements of others. The problem however is this: What does one do if respecting another persons achievement means giving up on your own dream? What do you do if you have to accept sorrow and misery in order to respect someone else?

FUUCCCKKKK!!!!!

I dreamed today that I had killed myself. It has been a long time since I did that. I am scared. So many things that I am terrified of. So much that I worry about. I would give anything to be able to talk to someone about my fears.

I was asked today about "What I really want." I listed a bunch of things but as that query has floated around in the back of my mind I have realized some things. Now, this question makes me feel a tad uncomfortable I wish to state as it is a very selfish question. I always have hated people who are selfish and I have always tried to not be one. Alright, with that said on with the show! What I would really like is someone who is my partner ya' know? I truly would love it if someone had my picture or a picture of her and I together on her desk. I am unsure which would be better as I see both with advantages. I remember being told that someone else had told a couple people I am theirs but it wasn't in a romantic sense. They claimed me in a sex-toy/my bitch sorta way. I always hoped for a romantic "Man I am madly in love with" sorta way. Bragging. I would love bragging about me. Someone who brags to others be it friends, family, or strangers that they are with me. Man I have done my time bragging about others but I doubt it has ever happened about me.

In talking to someone earlier I began rambling about this "No Jewelry" rule. I suppose with the shop and all jewelry has never been a huge deal for me ya' know? It wasn't that super hard to get really nice stuff for a whole lot so I suppose giving jewelry was never that big of a deal. I always tried to give presents that were special and unique. I think the presents I gave were likely seen as really stupid. Honest to God they did mean something to me, especially the little guy. He is the exact way I got him from Gram's. I truly did give it to her because she is amazing and I am crazy about her. I suppose that little statue meant more to me than I can put in words. Likely if anyone else put eyes on it they will think it is really stupid and I am a loser. I should have just given her that necklace like I had originally planned. I didn't because I figured that wasn't very original and everyone gives women jewelry. I wanted to be special but in the process I was an idiot. She will never say it but I will: You gave stupid shit man. It was pathetic and lame. No one ever will be proud of dumb shit like that. Likely it was thrown away or shoved in some dark corner where no one will ever see it. Loser.

I wish I had smiles to put in here. I truly do. Maybe it is all stress, that is possible. That is the joy of being by yourself: you learn to handle everything all alone. Well, you learn to try. Often you fail but I suppose that would be the other advantage. No one is around to see you fail. No one knows when you go buy some cookies to eat, when you smash your bottle of insulin because you are so depressed, or if you take too much medication hoping you OD.

The worst thing that God ever did was give a man hope.

Monday, Monday, Monday

2011-09-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

It appears everything changes Monday. We embark upon our new journey. Me without my Sancho though 'eh? I know I am seeing pretty negative and man I hope I am just being a Debbie Downer is all. If that is the case then fuck man, I am sorry as shit ya' know? I feel down because...well, man there isn't a lot of stuff to be positive about ya' know?

I have accepted that I will ride on my quest without my trusty Sancho to aid me. It sucks, it makes me sad but I have accepted it. I quest on my own. I found one of those notebooks today that I guess I had not burned. It made me cry. I cried because I remember the hope and the excitement I had when I worked on that stuff. It is amazing how much things change. You get to a point where all you have is a desire for it all to end because you grow sick and tired of the battle. I feel like someone should stick a fork in me at this point. Too bad there is no one to do that.

Even if they wanted they couldn't

2011-08-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

Today sucked. In fact I will say the last 72 hours were horrible. Without a doubt the worst in a very long time. Tonight was awful as well. It is times like this that I just feel alone. Man there is no one to talk with about tonight. No one that will hold me. Question is...will that ever change? At this point in my life...no. Give up. NO one will ever want me like that. No one will ever want to commit to me forever. As I came home tonight I sat there and looked out the window. Perhaps I am going about things all wrong. Perhaps the best idea is to stop going to the diabetes doctor. Maybe I should stop taking that stuff all together. Most likely I won't live more than five years if I stopped. It won't be a big loss. Few will care outside of my family. I have no one right now to call as I cry. Tomorrow I shall handle things alone as always.

I had a phone call tonight. It was a call requesting my services. Man I was so excited. It is all falling apart ya' know? The people in my cohort tonight were talking about their weddings coming up as a lot of them are getting married. I started scratching my hand until I start bleeding really badly. I didn't notice I just was frozen. It just hurt ya' know? It was just I was shot in the gut. I think it hurt so much because I heard them talk and knew I never would. Man, no one will ever be stupid enough to claim me forever above ANYONE else.

As I sit here it also makes me sad from my day today. I realized a couple things. First off no one could know that I was dating this person. If no one can know, its not actually real I figure. Secondly no one has ever had my picture on their desk. The one person in history who may have wanted a picture of us together on their desk will never be able to do that.

God I'm pathetic. Maybe I have the right idea. Quit my insulin, let nature take over. I will leave soon, organs will fail, I will die, then I will be gone. I could care less, no one else really does. I think honestly I am better off this way.

:(

2011-08-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

I now know how it feels to have your heart shattered. I have known many couples this has happened too. Shit happens in life. They struggle back. They sit there and say how they hurt but they have hope. They have faith. They believe in the other person. They truly believe that they will stick around. Man I haven't believed in someone like that for so fucking long. I truly did have faith and believe that, man I believed that I found someone who wouldn't quit on me. Who truly would bend the laws of physics if that is what it took. It hurts so much knowing I am not that important, that I really do not matter that much. In the end, once again, I lost. Man I should have known anyways. The beautiful woman staying with me? NO ONE who is that beautiful will ever stay with me. I am the fat, ugly, goofy kid who can't do anything right when it comes to people. I am better off all alone. It doesn't really matter what I want anyways, I will always be alone.

Then it all falls apart

2011-08-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how something so great can just fall apart into such pain and sorrow. Man I really didn't mean to fuck up anything. I knew what I was asking wasn't the most fair question but it was breaking my heart in half. I just felt so worthless and unimportant. I knew that if things continued I would be unable to be positive and not try to destroy myself. I was having those horrible dreams again where I would cut my wrists or I blew my head off. I just vanished and I know those dreams are bad. When they occur I have to do something man. I didn't think it was that big a deal I truly didn't! I figured it was a "Yeah, anything could happen" question as it looked toward the future and anything is possible.

Man things went so sideways and broke. It seems like I should give up on my dream. It feels like it just won't happen. Man, I'm stepping in too late. Never meant to be. I have said for a very long time that I am meant to always be alone. Gram left when I was off at school. She was honestly the only person who never left me. Mom left. Dad never wanted me as a kid. I made my friends leave by just being a bad person. Gram though I could cry to at 3am and she would fix it...if of course she was awake. Man it hurt so much when she passed. I remember standing there thinking how I am now totally alone. I have no one to help me fix things. No one I can rely on when things go sideways. It didn't matter what it was, she would fix it. She would alter the very fabric of reality if that is what it took.

Man I always hoped for someone like that. A person who thought so much of me that if it was something that I needed, something that was making me hurt they would never say no. Never would they draw a line in the sand on something that I really needed to be happy or succeed. I just do not know what to do honestly. I am trying to have hope and tell myself things will be okay but all I hear in my head is the same thing. "No, I won't" Plain, clear, simple, direct. A line in the sand. Man, I'm not worth giving up a decade. I stand all alone. I have no permanent partner for adventure, a permanent shoulder to cry upon. They will always leave, always vacate my life.

I don't see a point in working so hard in taking care of myself. No one is going to be around in the future to care. My family will be the only people gaveside when I die. I will never have a spouse or significant other to take care of things. I will always live alone with just my dogs. This is my life I have come to realize. I very badly wish I did not exist. My life really did peak when I was 15.

Tomorrow life may change

2011-08-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

I figure this tomorrow tomorrow, Monday, I shall either be extremely happy or extremely sad. Once class gets out I am meeting her at a restaurant near school for dinner and we are going to talk. We were on the phone last night until like 3 or 4. We talked about most likely the things I have been over-reacting about due to my stress. What did come up though is my inability to do the "poly" thing. I realize that some people date/marry multiple people but there is a significance to just being with one person. If you are just getting together and going out and doing stuff that's cool, going and having sex, or just playing I understand. I guess I always hoped that I could be that "one and only" guy for someone ya' know? The guy where someone just sees/thinks about them and thinks they could never really have serious interest in someone else because they are so crazy in love with me. I always hoped for that.

I pray that tomorrow we sit down and she says that she wants us to stay together and that she would like it if we just remained together as we are now and see if things go well. If so then down the road she can see the distinct possibility that things can go how I hope. I am terrified things will go the opposite way and honestly I start to cry everytime I think about it. I know I sound like a weenie, perhaps I am, but I crazy in love with her.

Stress destroying what is great

2011-08-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

Whenever I get really super stressed I make things worse for myself. It is a habit I really need to get out of. I just get really overwhelmed and freak out generally. This paper has been creating mountains of stress that I have had a rough time handling. I have been happy though because I kept telling myself that everything would be okay because I had found that special someone. I think last night I may have ruined things. I am terrified and honestly I have tears rolling down my face because of what I fear the outcome may be. We are going to talk about things Monday night. I am trying to stay optimistic and keep telling myself things will be okay just have faith.

I swear I do not want to ruin things for anyone else. I truly do not! I really try to work with others. This is a situation where I am unsure how a compromise can be reached. It is a fairly binary situation, there is either multiple partners or not. It isn't really a thing where you can sort-of have multiple partners. lol I cannot stop thinking about her, I feel so empty inside without her. I am terrified of what may occur because I fear the worst could happen. I keep wondering if I have ruined the situation. Have I? It is so hard to tell from inside. I suppose I need to just be positive and have faith. In 48 hours things will be solved in some fashion. I just hope and pray it is the happy option that gets picked.

Please?

Its just not long enough

2011-08-27T18:18:00.000-07:00

Man, I was feeling so good. It seemed that everything was coming into shape. The paper was getting done, I had people who were proud of me, I was happy, even the weather was great! In one fell swoop things just seem to come crashing down. Perhaps this is reality setting in. I have only eleven pages, this other person in my class is THIRTY-EIGHT! She says she will hit FIFTY when she is done! FIFTY! I have tried hard to get things done but so far failed. I told myself things would work out and that we sat at the top of the mountain. I was lying to myself. I lay in a trench on a lone cliff-face. I just want to cry. I realized this afternoon I have gone quite a bit backwards in my life over the last few years and I need to fix that. I had people I could call anytime at one point if things fell apart. No longer is that the case. I sit here with a huge pit in my stomach and tears streaming down the face of my soul. I have no one to call or text or anything for a virtual hug or anything. No one who I can contact and say "Hey, shit is falling apart for me. Want to get a coke and bullshit for a while?"

I am tired. I am tired of the stress, the drama, and the confusion. I am tired of being number two at best. I am tired of always having to compromise and negotiate everything. It has been a very long time since I stood at the top of the mountain and looked down. I can remember the last time actually. I remember standing on that stage as my name was called. I wanted to explode. I had worked for months and practiced everyday. I had put my very soul into that presentation. It was a moment where I knew inside that for that moment, that brief moment, I was the best. It feels amazing knowing you have tried your hardest, succeeded, and that others look up at you for what you have done. It is not something that lasts long but it changes your life.

It also makes me sad that at 15 my life peaked. Ever wonder if the world would be better without you in it? I know that there my loss in this world would not cause much drama and grief. Yes my family would be sad. I have a few close friends who would be a bit upset but their lives wouldn't shatter. I have no kids, no wife. Hell, I seriously doubt I will ever be married. I am pretty sure I have a better chance at building an atomic bomb.

Oh yeah, and I am in awe at how fat I am. Chubby, fluffy, or have a little extra padding. Call it what you want but it is nice terms for the same thing: Your fat. I am amazed how very fat I am. I have honestly considered recently doing what I did when at Central. It may have nearly killed me but I wasn't a fat tub of lard anymore. I had no luck with women at all but I was proud of how I look at least. Not that it really matters.

Ever get that feeling?

2011-08-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

I have been proud of myself lately. I have been positive, upbeat, and happy. I have worked hard, taken care of myself pretty well, and been nice. I haven't yelled or been grumpy. I have felt great. Ever get that feeling though? Just the feeling that...I don't know what to say. There are all these things my brain says I should say but I know its not true.

I lied. I do know what it is, I am just afraid to say anything. I am afraid to upset people. Upset to release it as I fear it will do something bad. People have always teased me and said I am "such an only child." It seems the common belief is that only children do not know how to share. I really do not think that is true. Really and truly, I can share! Often it is to my loss that I share things. I try and help others...not as much as I used to but I want to improve that. I have never understood, nor been able to share, people though. It seems to me some things are not meant to be shared. They are a solo item that one is not supposed to share with anyone else. A relationship is an A-B item, there should never be a C.

Perhaps as an only child you grow up as the center of the universe and cannot stand it when that is not the case. I like to think that is not the case. I would like to think that it is a desire to be unique. I have always loathed the concept of being the same. I saw those idiots in school who went to parties, got drunk, and made all the stupid football jokes and just rolled my eyes. They were cookie cutter jocks. They fit into a mold and I just could not stand that. I never wanted to be a mold, I have always wanted to be different. I suppose I have been tricking myself lately.

I made myself think I was more important than I am. I made myself think that I sat at the top of the list. I should have realized that there are two others who sit at the very tippy-top above me. I will not deny I kinda feel bad because of this but you know what? I'm not going to let it get me down. Instead I am going to finish what I was working on but I am doing it for me. Things will look nice and I will feel good. I think I will adjust my plans. I am going to figure out tonight what is best for ME. I have been asking myself what is good for me...but also what would make her happiest. That is a far question when they are both asked with equal weight. I am unsure that is true so perhaps I should adjust my questioning of things.

I am proud of myself for not letting things get to me. I am proud that I am not letting others get to me. There are people out there who dig me, who want me around, and share my outlook upon things. I need to have more faith.

I lost it

2011-08-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am here to officially admit, I have lost it. I never thought this would occur. I cannot say I have lost it forever but I can say for right now I have. I feel...weird. It feels strange with it gone. I have spent so much of my life with it running things it feels like that I almost feel like I am drifting on a sea with no way of steering. I suppose I can always paddle though. Wait, I am getting ahead of myself! I have not even mentioned what it is I lost, my bad!

I lost my worry and fear.

Not only do I seem to have lost it, I can tell you why. It may sound strange but this is the truth. I don't want to place any stress upon anyone. Ultimately this is me processing life and figuring out how to handle things better but there are things that occur in life that set one upon that path. I am very much in love with a woman that set me upon this path. It is to her I say thank-you. It seems silly but I think her going out of town for a little while helped me to find this path. She was several states away but would try as hard as she could to call, text, or e-mail me. I was amazed first off because...well, I guess I never saw myself as that important or special. It feels good knowing that you are to someone. More than that though I began to realize something. I will screw up. A lot. I am not being hard on myself, it is just part of being human. I will get depressed, make poor choices, or just have a brain fart and do stupid crap. I likely will amaze myself with how dumb some of it is.

Here is the thing though, the part that I realized and I suppose actually absorbed into my heart that has helped me. She will forgive me. Yes, I may lie, cheat, steal, or something else stupid. It may take a lot of work, a lot of begging, and even more working to prove I am sorry but guess what? She will give me that chance. I may have already said eight billion times that I won't do X again but she will still offer me chance eight billion and one. I never believed anyone would do that. I always thought they would leave if I messed up. She really won't. She is proud of me because I try hard. To her I have already succeeded because of who I am and what I try to do. She knows I will never try to hurt her, that I would give my life to protect her, and that she means the world to me.

Ya' know, sometimes in life it is actually a good thing to lose something because it gives you the chance to find something even greater. Like a lover, companion, and best friend.

Flowers :)

2011-08-23T21:37:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, I wanted to make a separate posting for myself. Today, I got flowers. It is true that in the future you will do a myriad of things that you regret as this is part of life. When this happens, when you find yourself sitting there feeling as though the world has fallen in around you and no one cares, remember today.

Remember what has happened today. Remember how you felt when you saw those flowers. Remember how nervous you were as you walked toward them. How scared you were to open the card, scared in a good way though. Remember how it felt when you read the card. How shocked you were that she took time out of her very busy schedule to order flowers for you. Remember how you stood there and just kept reading the card over and over in awe. Remember how you read the card and feel tears deep down inside. Remember how good it feels when you see those words. Remember how the tears feel on your cheek right now because you know that she really and truly does love you.

Yes, life will change. Things will happen. You may not like them all but remember the positive, not the negative. Look at how beautiful those flowers are. Remember how beautiful she is. Remember how lucky you are at this moment.

The line between appriciationg and obsession

2011-08-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

I met with some people from school today which made me think. They told a story about a friend that they had to teach how women do not like to be stalked. I made a joke but the back of my brain has kept thinking about it. Where is the line between appreciation someone/something and obsession? I have always worried about crossing that line. Anytime I say something nice about how I miss someone or wish they were around or I care about them the back of my mind worries that maybe I have said it once too often. I suppose I have tried to err on the side of caution for a long time. I know that isn't a good idea but I don't want to freak someone out. I really don't obsess I swear! What I try to do is make someone feel appreciated. I try to approach situations with people thinking about what would I like. Everyone likes to feel appreciated. I read once that you should always make a point of showing someone you appreciate them. Perhaps I do that too often. I really wish I knew where that line was. I must give my hope that someone will say something if I have crossed that line. Sometimes the hardest thing to have is faith.

Slide on the ice

2011-08-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

So, I went and ran errands earlier today. I was in line getting some meds and I was talking with this gal, she looked to be late 20's. Just talking, nothing serious ya' know. She mentioned she had back trouble recently and had surgery. I mentioned I had back surgery not too long ago and asked where. After I mentioned to her what happened she said to me "No offense but, why aren't you in better shape?" I suppose that could mean why haven't you done PT. I have thought about it and I think if she meant PT she would have said that, in shape means something different typically. In addition I had a friend call me earlier and say they want me to leave them alone. I suppose they could be having an off night or just being nuts. I certainly hope so. They gave no reason, just poof! Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Meeting with my writing partner, getting up earlier to exercise. I have faith things will improve. I think I am going to go read. I am proud of myself. I felt bad but I still took my insulin, ate well, and didn't go do anything dumb. Perhaps I am not doing everything that I should but I am doing a lot more than I did a year ago even. I am proud of myself. I am feeling very proud of what I have done and where I am. I had felt what I thought was shame but I realize I was trying to give myself an excuse to...I dunno, likely to do something stupid. I am very glad that I didn't allow that feeling to go anywhere past feeling bad for a few hours. I even managed to not whine to anyone about it, just vent it here and go to bed. In the past I would have relied on someone else to help fix it, this time I fixed things myself. I didn't beg anyone to help make me smile or anything. I feel good.

Maybe I am not a cover model dude with rock hard abs and stuff.but I am proud of who I am. I work hard, I'm happy, and I am a nice guy. I have made mistakes but I work very hard to not repeat them and I like to think that I don't usually.

Holy Shit. That is positive! Perhaps the world really is coming to an end and I am learning to be a happy and positive person! SCARY! :)

Ashamed

2011-08-22T01:12:00.000-07:00

I admit, I am ashamed. I am very ashamed of myself currently, where my life is, and where I am. I am very embarrassed. I got here trying to be good, I swear. I was trying to help my family and then things went bad for them, then me. Now I am in school and money is tight. Hopefully when I finish things will change. I am so very embarrassed. I am trying to make the best of things. I do not feel like an adult, a man, or someone a woman would be proud of. I hang my head and feel so bad. It is not a place someone my age should be at all. Nothing to be proud of

Understanding why things are broken

2011-08-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

>sigh<
It is times like right now I am unsure what to do. I set up this blog so I would have a place to say things when my mind was overloaded. I never gave anyone the URL because I didn't want to be ashamed of what I write or use this to go after anyone. At the same time I kept it public because I felt like if I hid it away that would mean I was hiding my feelings and thoughts and that isn't okay. Therefore I left it public and eventually, gave someone the URL. I guess part of me wishes I got comments on things but that is another story. All of this brings me to where I sit now. I have a heavy burden hanging on my soul and I have no one to talk with about it, no one to ask and so I am asking my blog I guess. I am putting my thoughts out so they stop weighing upon me and maybe my mind will figure out what to do. Honestly I just want to figure things out.

Marriage is a sacred institution. I have always respected it and held it as one of the most important things in the universe. When you say "I Do" you are making a major commitment. I always say the monogamy part as being essential because it is about sacrifice. Without sacrifice, what is the point? This may seem silly but the other part of me embraces monogamy because...fuck. Man I assume the person will be upset/unhappy if I did anything with someone else. That feels good man! It shows that the person CARES! They actually give a shit! It is easy as FUCK to say "I love you a lot" but it is another story if you see some blonde hit on your husband/boyfriend and it makes you jealous. Now I'm not saying jealousy is a good thing. It is a situational thing. If you get jealous and then later just say "Hey honey, you know when that blonde did X? I kinda felt a little jealous." You aren't being a dick, you are saying "Hey, I love you a lot and when that person showed interest I kind of felt bad because we are together forever as a permanent team." It feels good. It feels horrible when the person goes "Awesome, have fun sticking your dick in her!"

This brings me to my current spot. I feel bad, I really do. I feel down and lost. I cannot do the poly thing at all. I can casually date people but when it gets serious...fuck. I just can't. There are so many problems my mind has with it. I wonder how I can be that important or how you can truly love me if you have no issue being with someone else. I suppose I feel like if the person was truly in love with me they would think about me when with another person. I would come to their mind when they were on a date with another guy or they had sex. If it is so easy to forget me for a while...what good am I? What is the point in being with someone if you are not willing to make a sacrifice? Perhaps I just don't get it. Perhaps I am old fashioned. Perhaps I really am as fucked up as I have been told in the past.

You want to know the worst part about all of this? I honestly can say I am truly in love. It tears me apart inside knowing she is off on a romantic date with others. I fight this doubt and pain just thinking about how there are all these other people she has serious relationships with and I just wonder about it. I seriously can't think of anyone else. I long to have her in my arms again. A girl gave me a hug Saturday and I felt a little bad, like I was cheating. At the same time I hurt because I knew she wouldn't care if the girl was hugging me or on her knees pleasuring me. She is happy to share and has no issues with it.

I guess that is why I don't believe in the whole poly thing. It feels good knowing someone will fight for me. That they would stand up and say "Look, he is MINE bitch! No one elses! You want to do X with him? You will have to get through ME first!" and it feels good knowing there is someone in the world who knows I will fight for her.

A friendship isn't a group activity. You are friends with one person, you can have multiple friends but it is a two person activity by definition. Same thing with marriage/dating. You are there for the good AND the bad no matter what. How can I be so sure they will be there when things go wrong if they have someone else who they claim means just as much? What if that person is having a crisis and suddenly I am having one as well? What do you do? Who is more important?

I feel so empty inside. I feel hollow and hurt. It is like someone tore apart my soul. Man I had finally started feeling good a lot. I was smiling again, people said my dimples were showing up. I woke up with a smile the other day. I remembered my insulin when I went out. I saw that candy-bars were on sale and guess what? I didn't even want any. I have spent my free time recently with tears down my face and thinking about how nice all these different horrible things I used to do would be. I have fought to not do them but I feel ashamed that this is where I am. The pride in being me has taken a leave of absence I guess.

God, this hurts so badly. Please help me. I feel my hope very slowly fading away. I am afraid I will do something dumb. Please, help me. Please.

Presents

2011-08-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

So I think I may hate the whole giving presents thing. We all love getting them but I am starting to think the whole giving process sucks. It may be that I worry too much as well, who knows. I dislike it because...well, because I worry that the present I am giving will be disliked. Yeah yeah yeah, it is the thought that counts. I try super hard on any present to make sure it is something cool and different. Okay, here is what people should do. One of two things. Either A)GO TO AMAZON AND MAKE A GOD DAMN WISH LIST or B)Make a public list or public indication of hobbies, things you like/enjoy, and things you think are cool.

Guess what????

2011-08-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

I think I may have been hit on while in class tonight at my horrible child-abuse class. It was at the end of things and I made a joke, I cannot remember what it was. OH! I should preface this with the information that we were sitting there watching this gal speak and I looked over at her and she held up a piece of paper with a drawing she was working on. I couldn't see it but I smiled at it to be polite, I got a glance later and it looked cool.

Anyways, I made a joke and she said something back, I cannot remember what but it does not matter. What matters is I then turn to her and go "No fair, you suck!" and she smiles and goes "Why yes I do, quite well." and grinned back. I think she was flirting with me.

Guess who might have noticed something someone else did? :) Someday I may actually notice non-verbal communication. Scary thought!