Been a long time

It has been a long time since I have posted. A lot has changed. WoW. I miss my life. I miss how it used to be, I truly do. I would like to turn back time. I really wish I could change things. Things have not turned out how they were supposed to turn out. I am supposed to be working on becoming a teacher right now. I am supposed to be enjoying things with certain people. I am supposed to be doing so many things. WoW. It is shocking how many people are so better off without me. How much I need to just leave so many people alone. The world is best without me. I don't think I really add anything. I used to have someone who read this thing. It made me smile. Someone in the universe cared about what I thought. She has vanished. No one is left, that is the honest truth. I met with her tonight and I f-ed up. I'm just a bad person.

Terror.

I admit it. I am terrified. I really am scared out of my G-D mind. School won't let me finish because of my learning disability basically so I have to get a lawyer. I am so scared. I realize that I shouldn't be. That the lawyer is going to talk to them but this is *my* life here. I am so scared that things may not turn out correctly. What if I don't get a lawyer? What if THEY win? I cannot even begin to explain how many ways I am currently scared.

The frustration of change

Growing up is hard. We want to be an adult as a kid then when we are adults we wish we were kids. I will admit that I have had an issue with becoming a real grumpy guy in my life. I have been working hard on it. Man I have been working hard. I cannot tell you how much I have worked on. I wish I could prove it. There are so many things I wish I could prove. School is telling me I am not good enough to teach. I do not know what to do. There is so much that /urI wish people would just believe me on. Man just try once? Please? I know that I stopped being the super nice guy I am but crap man EVERYONE messes up, if we didn't we wouldn't be human! I am in a spot where I know I can do it. I know. I just need a shot at it.

Wow

Super dizzy.  World keeps spinning, has done so for three days now.  Antioch has said they will not let me student teacher.  It is because of my learning disabilities but they are smart enough to not say that.  Figures. 

Expelled

So Antioch has decided that because I have ADD I cannot be a teacher. 

Fluxtuations and Change

Life is strange, it really is.  People have argued that there is a plan for life, some argue it is randomly figuring itself out.  Others say there is a giant plot that someone has put together.  It always interests me to see what someone thinks.  No matter what one may think life still is a challenge.  I have always thought that it isn't the mistakes that are what makes life hardest.  What is the hardest to deal with is the aftermath.  Single, dating, married, with children, or in a classroom it does not matter.  What is really the hardest is always dealing with the outcome of those mistakes.  Do we play it safe or take a gamble, often that becomes the question.  I was reading once about the uber-rich people from history.  The author said that all people have the same chances in life, the same shot at things.  It isn't luck, skill, or a special knowledge that makes these rare people uber-rich.  What makes them uber-rich is that they go and do something that everyone thinks is impossible but they refuse to accept that something is impossible.

I really like that.  It is sort of like you are saying "FUCK YOU" to the world and making your own path.  I like that feeling.  It sounds much like me.  I have turned down many chances that would have made me quite rich because they were not what my soul wanted.

As an aside, and note to myself, I should start writing that crap down.  I will begin forgetting this stuff soon and I would rather not.  Some of it was really funny, especially the two stories with N'Sync.

School sucks.  Work is okay.  It seems that it is good that I am single.  Odd how things work out.  Since I am single I can sneak off to the doctor much easier and not tell people stuff.  The doctor says that I am pretty sick.  I have not been doing really well lately, I went in to ask why and they said that it is one of several things that could be shutting down on me.  I knew it was something bad when I started not being able to see at all in the last few months.  My neurologist and I are meeting later this week, I am fairly sure I know what he is going to say.  I hope he is wrong, God spinal taps hurt.  As I said though, it is good I guess that I am single as I can do all of this and not tell anyone.  I figure I have to talk about it somewhere though as I am very terrified so I figure here is as good a place as any.  No one reads it anymore so it is a safe place for me to go.  I remember the last time this happened, how badly things hurt, how scary it was went I couldn't see.  How scared I was that my eyes would pop out of my head. 

Valentine's Day is coming.  I am scared.  I really hope I don't die.  I want to have a Valentine's Day where I am not alone, just one.  I am so very scared.  Eventually your luck runs out you know?  I have made it five times.  Five!  Maybe I shouldn't worry, The Iron Horse's lucky number was 52.  That is a ton more strange shit for me to go through. :-)

Arg.

Man I feel frustrated.  You try to get a hold of someone and you fail time and again.  It is frustrating man.  They ask you to tell them a bunch of stuff and so I am, I would just prefer not via an e-mail.  I would like to hear a voice.  I would like to speak my answer.  I want to feel like a human ya' know?  It gives a personal connection to things.  You wonder if someone is just having personal troubles or if it is just a hint that you suck and should go away.

Yeah, I did venture off to do something I really shouldn't of done.  That is the most detail I will go in here, the most explaining I will go in here.  I am happy to explain everything, just contact me in person. 

I am finding it feels good not to get mad.  I have been working hard at it.  I am proud of myself.  I really want to show people how good a person I am.